Earlier today, we ran a snarky article when CBR's forums were listed as down for maintenance. To our surprise, we weren't too far off the mark -- relatively... for us... and defying Godwin's law in the process -- as CBR founder and Stone Temple Pilots vocalist Jonah Weiland announced today that CBR was REBOOTING their forums in an attempt to quell negativity and weed out trolls. In a long and rambling blog post, Weiland delved into his own life story and cited recent incidents such as the outpouring of misogyny in the comments of Janelle Asselin's Teen Titans criticism article as reasons for closing the old forums and opening a new CBR Community with a stricter set of guidelines.
"Effective immediately, in place of the forums will live the new CBR Community, a discussion area that will still facilitate conversation and debate, however passionate -- but will show zero tolerance for intimidation or abuse of all members of the community, regardless of gender, race, religion, sexual orientation and gender identification. CBR and all areas of its website and operations will be a safe space for all people, of all levels of involvement. We're starting from scratch, providing everyone with the opportunity to build a new community, together. Rules will be explicit, and once again -- we will not tolerate anyone who doesn't want to abide by them."
"Oh, fuck," proclaimed a concerned Outhouse Editor in Chief Christian Hoffer when learning of the changes. The heads of the writers in the Outhouse newsroom perked up in alert, looking to their leader for instructions. But before Hoffer could issue commands...
"BARBARIANS AT THE GATE!" shouted token Asian correspondent sdsichero as hordes of jaded malcontents were spotted charging toward The Outhouse's forums, looking for membership.
"Quick, turn off all the lights!" suggested Ace Reporter Jude Terror as Outhouse staffers darted around the offices, locking doors and shuttering windows. "Pretend we're not here!"
The Outhouse has long been a bastion of free speech in the comics blogosphere, and has in the past been the recipient of multiple banned CBR posters, particularly ones that were banned for speaking negatively about DC Comics. While The Outhouse is happy to receive new members, and remains suspicious of just how much the ability to silence critical posts about major comics publishers factored into CBR's decision to reboot the forums, the snarky news site definitely doesn't want the sexist, racist, or trollish posters, if we can help it. We have enough of those already.
In his message, Weiland said that new moderators would be invited to administrate CBR's community, while old ones who disagree with the changes will get the boot. "Aaaaaahhhhh!" cried multiple CBR monitors as they were run over by the bus Weiland threw them under. Weiland linked to a new set of community guidelines, which all seem reasonable, save the one that suggests that comic book creators for some reason deserve more respect than anyone else. That's not very egalitarian. We would think all people deserve the same "respect." Weiland said that the messages in CBR's old forums would remain online for two weeks before presumably being deleted.
Meanwhile, in the halls of injustice...
"Do you think they're gone yet?" whispered Outhouse forum manager Houman Sadri several hours into the siege, as the stench of unbathed comics bloggers huddled together in a dark room neared unbearable levels.
"I'll check," volunteered Terror as he crept toward the door. After listening with his hand cupped to his ear for a moment, Terror noted that things seemed quiet.
"A little too quiet," suggested fellow reporter Zechs.
Terror cracked open the door to peek outside, and his eyes widened in horror. "NOOOO!" Terror screamed as hundreds of filthy, clawing hands tried to pull him outside. With the help of several writers, Terror managed to shut the door again as ravenous former CBR posters pounded on the doors and windows.
"This could take a while," warned Terror as the Outhousers prepared for a long night. "I think I saw [former Marvel editor] Stephen Wacker out there."
"My god," gasped Hoffer. "He's the most vile internet troll of them all!"
Good luck to CBR in their new community endeavors. We hope their intentions are as they stated, and it's not all a ruse to quell criticism of Marvel and DC, as the site has had a habit of doing in the past; remember the time they moved all threads critical of DC into one giant ghetto thread? I mean, we're sure they'll continue to do that, but hopefully it's not the impetus for this, and merely a side benefit. When taken at face value, The Outhouse can only agree with the words of Jonah Weiland:
I ammmm smelling like a rose that somebody gave me on my birthday deathbed. I ammmm smelling like a rose that somebody gave me cause I'm dead and bloated.
No wait, not those words...
For those of you who were there only to be disruptive, abusive and ugly: Go away.