Responding to reports that original Spider-Man trilogy star Kirsten Dunst wore a Star Wars themed dress to this year's Costume Institute Gala at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, fanboy James Greenwald of Kansas City, Missouri, resolutely declared that he still "would not bang" the award winning actress, who has starred in more than fifty films over the course of her twenty-five year career. Citing several ludicrous and irrelevant perceived physical imperfections, the poorly-groomed and odorous comic book fan assured The Outhouse that Dunst, whose charity work includes participation with the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation and several cancer fighting organizations, falls far below his demanding standards of beauty.
"She ruined Spider-Man by not being hot enough to play Mary Jane," said Greenwald of the actress, whose looks are perfectly fine, not that that should even be a point of discussion. He went on to explain that, even if Dunst appeared totally naked and "ready to go" in the twin bed that the overweight thirty-seven year old man keeps in his parents' basement, surrounded by action figures and discarded bottles of Mountain Dew, he would never engage in sexual intercourse with the star of such films as Interview With The Vampire and Melancholia, for which she won the 2011 Best Actress award at the Cannes Film Festival.
At press time, Dunst's representatives did not respond to requests for comment, leading industry analysts to surmise that Dunst, whose career accomplishments include not only her major roles in dozens of successful films, but also work on stage and television, as well as several musical recordings for film soundtracks, is utterly devastated. Stay tuned to The Outhouse for more on this breaking story.
Oh, and here's Dunst in the dress, part of the Rodarte fashion line designed by Kate and Laura Mulleavy: