The internet was thrown into disarray yesterday when gossip website TMZ published a video showing Solange, the sister of Beyonce, attacking Beyonce's husband Jay Z in an elevator. The story of strife inside America's royal family has captured the imagination of the people, with Gawker alone running no less than six articles on it in the last two days. Some theorized that the dust-up was retaliation for Jay Z going to Rihanna's party without Beyonce, while other theories blame Solange's friend using Jay Z's name to crash the event. Even Jay Z's rival, 50 Cent, chimed in with his thoughts.
It's only natural that the media would focus so much attention on this. Unequivocally, it's the biggest tragedy our country has faced since 9-11.
But while these other website can only speculate, The Outhouse has long been known as the world's leader in finding out what important people really think about stuff, as we've brought you exclusive reports about Pope Francis, Vladimir Putin, The Captian and Tennille, Condoleezza Rice, and Pope Francis again. Every time, it boils down to one thing: comic books. As you can probably guess, this time is no different.
According to our sources, the argument began when Jay Z made an offhand remark about Marvel's upcoming Death of Wolverine super-mega crossover event, suggesting that the story was little more than a cheap marketing gimmick and that the murderous mutant would be back by "this time next year, at the latest." Jay Z also reportedly expressed the opinion that Wolverine is "a Mary Sue character" who is on far too many teams and "works better as a loner." He finished by saying that, though he "knows it'll never happen," he hopes Wolverine will stay dead and that the Marvel Universe "would be better off without him."
That's when Solange attacked him. If you look closely at the video, you can clearly see her mouth the words "Logan is not a Mary Sue!" and "he's the only one who can protect the children!" Clearly, Solange is a woman unhinged, and we don't say that lightly, because we know it's sexist. Nevertheless, we feel we have no choice but to side with Jay Z, as no man deserves to be hit with a pocket book for simply expressing his views on the X-Men. Furthermore, we're sure we've made the right choice, as Beyonce sided with her husband as well, causing Solange to delete all pictures of Beyonce from her Instagram after Beyonce posted an image meme with a picture of Wolverine stabbing his children with the caption "Cyclops was right," which she later deleted.
We sincerely hope the Z's are able to work through this difficult time before it tears the country apart. Perhaps they can find common ground through their mutual dislike of DC's Future's End event, which all three reportedly agree is a senseless orgy of juvenile violence. Stay tuned to The Outhouse for more on this tragic story.