Snarky comic book website The Outhouse announced plans today to indefinitely import all of the Facebook status updates of controversial retailer and CoBRA Commander Dennis Barger Jr. The news follows a string of five or six articles on rival website Bleeding Cool this morning that consisted solely of photos Barger took at the Diamond Retailers Summit in Las Vegas this weekend, culled from Facebook and posted along with baseless speculation about Marvel reboots. According to sources inside The Outhouse, the site is tired of getting scooped by Bleeding Cool just because it doesn't realize that everything Barger posts on social media is worthy of an article, and plans to rectify the situation by automating the transfer of Barger posts from Facebook to The Outhouse via an artificially intelligent software program called BARGERtron 5000, which will allow The Outhouse to post Barger's status updates with no detectable delay.
What kind of cigarettes does Barger smoke?! Find out in a twelve part series on Bleeding Cool!
Outhouse webmaster and ace reporter Jude Terror will write the code that powers BARGERtron and will run it on The Outhouse's state of the art webservers, which routinely handle serving thousands of web pages a day to people mistakenly looking for scatalogical pornography. He says it will free up time to do other things, such as interact with his children, which he hasn't done in seven years.
A photojournalism expose by Barger on back tattoos of bikini-clad Casino employees.
"I think I have one or two more now," Terror admitted. "But what's important is Rich Johnston not get the scoop. He totally beat us on that picture Barger took of a topless blackjack dealer's Autobot Tattoo, and that's something I never... uh oh--"
"Barger just posted that ComicsPro leader Thomas Gaul called him an asshole," said Terror, scrambling to get an article up before Johnston. "That's a scoop!" Terror then went back to sifting through photos of Barger drinking with colleagues over the weekend, which he told us he would likely get at least three articles out of.
But with BARGERtron, none of that will be necessary. Barger will post on Facebook, and The Outhouse's proprietary RSS technology will intercept the post, add an image of Barger doing blow with hookers or decrying the sexualization of cartoon characters to the top of the page, create an outrageous headline, and publish. Bleeding Cool will be left with The Outhouse and Barger's sloppy seconds, and all of it without any human effort required (which is only a slight improvement over the minimal effort required for most of the site's articles).
Snakes on a Plane sequel in the works starring CoBRA - you heard it here first!
"This is the future," Terror promised before putting the finishing touches on this new artificial intelligence that he says is powerful enough to control the world's nuclear missile defense systems if it had to. "What could go wrong?"