After failing to secure a suitable replacement for director Edgar Wright, Marvel Studios may have found a fresh approach to hiring someone to direct next year's Ant-Man movie. According to sources inside Marvel, the company is planning to launch a reality show called "Who Wants to Be an Ant-Man Director?" in which regular people with no filmmaking experience will compete in a series of Dilbertesque labors to see who is corporate sycophant enough to make the movie. The show will be hosted by the cryogenically frozen corpse of Regis Philbin.
"Somewhere out there, somebody is willing to do whatever we say and put their name on it like it's their own work," said Marvel Chief Creative Officer Joe Quesada, according to our sources. "We've just got to find the right automaton."
The game show was conceived after Wright walked off the production of Ant-Man last week following eight years of involvement with it. According to rumors, Wright was unwilling to compromise his artistic vision and allow Marvel to use interns to rewrite the script according to carefully constructed corporate formulas. Marvel then entered negotiations with several other directors, including Anchorman director Adam McKay, who all but signed on last night before dropping out abruptly this morning.
Since hiring established directors hasn't worked out, Marvel will cast the net wider, welcoming bootlickers, brownnosers, adulators, lackies, hangers-on, flatterers, doormats, puppets, minions, flunkies, and grovelers from all walks of life. Contestants will compete in exciting games such as "Agree With Everything People in Suits Tell You" to earn Cross-branding Synergy Points (TM), which they can use to become immune to elimination, just like in real life! At the end of each episode, the contestants will be asked to betray their values in order to make a soulless shell of a movie that fits within Marvel's ten year business plan and scores well with focus groups. Anyone who can put aside their dignity and agree to the demands of upper management will move on to the next round.
"How low can you go?! How low can you go?!" chanted Quesada as contestants bent over backwards and slithered in-between his fat legs, competing for the chance to call themselves champions of "Asskissing Limbo," another of the show's innovative games. "Oh, that one tickled my taint! Give him a consultant job on the Daredevil Netflix project!"
Stay tuned to The Outhouse for more on the looming self-destruction of Marvel Studios, and be sure to tune in to Who Wants to Be an Ant-Man Director? this fall on ABC.