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Literally Unbelievable: Wolverine To Take Infant Camping

Written by GHERU on Monday, June 09 2014 and posted in News with Benefits

Literally Unbelievable: Wolverine To Take Infant Camping

Because he’s done so well teaching his own kids how to survive.


Dear readers,

The Outhouse has obtained the end of the year letter written by Wolverine, the headmaster of Jean Gray’s School For Gifted Youngsters, and it is reprinted below in its entirety.


From The Desk Of The Headmaster

Dear Students, Parents, Teachers, and Other Staff Members,

Well, it’s that time of the year again where we reflect back on what we’ve learned this past school year, remember those we lost, and look forward to the future. I know that many of our students will be going home for the Summer, and I wish you all the best of luck, but for those of you who will be remaining on campus I just want to say that Summer classes begin on June 15th. Until then, the student sections of the campus will be open for all, including dining halls and the danger room, and we hope you enjoy your stay.

Speaking of Summer, for the first time since this school opened, I will be taking a short camping trip with Jubilee and her adopted son Shogo. The reason for this trip is to toughen Shogo up and prepare him with the survival skills he is missing. According to a study published on, children these days are ill prepared for the dangers that lie ahead. From the study:

According to Institute president Molly Bentley, in an effort to determine infant survival instincts when attacked, the babies were prodded in an aggressive manner with a broken broom handle. Over 90 percent of them, when poked, failed to make even rudimentary attempts to defend themselves. The remaining 10 percent responded by vacating their bowels.
And it’s not even like either of these responses would repel enemies such as magneto or SHIELD:

"It is unlikely that the presence of the babies' fecal matter, however foul-smelling, would have a measurable defensive effect against an attacker in a real-world situation," Bentley said.

The Onion article opened my eyes to the deficiencies in our current education system that - now that I think about it - explains why it was so easy to hunt and kill all of my biological offspring.

Throughout this camping trip, Daily Show writer Elliott Kalan and artist Jonathan Marks will document Shogo’s education which will be available to the public sometime in August in the academic journal: Wolverine Annual #1.

Another test, in which the infants were placed on a mound of dirt outdoors during a torrential downpour, produced similarly bleak results.

"The chicken, dog and even worm babies that we submitted to the test as a control group all had enough sense to come in from the rain or, at least, seek shelter under a leafy clump of vegetation or outcropping of rock," test supervisor Thomas Howell said. "The human babies, on the other hand, could not grasp even this incredibly basic concept, instead merely lying on the ground and making gurgling noises."

All-in-all, I don’t expect the trip to take any longer than a week, and I should be back by the time the Summer session begins. But, if on the off chance that something unplanned were to occur in the vicinity of Jubilee, Shogo, or myself, I am leaving Henry McCoy in charge while I am away. If there is anyone alive I trust to make rational and well thought out decisions, its good old Hank, especially when it comes to directing the paths of young X-Men.

Hoping you enjoy the Summer,



We here at The Outhouse are happy to hear that Wolverine will be taking some much needed time off.  Along with the above letter, The Outhouse was able to get our hands on some preliminary sketches for Wolverine Annual #1 by Jonathan Marks.  Enjoy:


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About the Author - GHERU

RU, or as he’s known in the writers’ room: the cute one, is relatively unappreciated in his time.  RU’s YouTube show, RUviews is watched by literally multiple people every month and his Outhouse articles have helped line many a bird cage.  Before you send RU a message, he knows that there are misspelled words in this article, and probably in this bio he was asked to write.  RU wants everyone to know that after 25+ years of collecting he still loves comic books and can’t believe how seriously fanboys take them.  RU lives in Akron Ohio (unfortunately) with WIFE, ‘lilRuRu, and the @DogGodThor.  You can also find him on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, & even Google+ (if anyone still uses that).


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