Robot 6 reports that Marvel Comics has been hired by the Florida Department of Citrus and Firearma to revamp their mascot, Captain Citrus, in an attempt to get kids to drink more orange juice. The DOCAF will pay Marvel a sum of ONE MILLION DOLLARS...
...for the reboot, which "calls for Marvel to transform the cartoonish anthropomorphized orange into a buff male superhero who will preach the nutritional benefits of orange juice."
Unfortunately, no one seems to have done their research into how the comic book industry has changed since comics last appealed to children, sometime in the 1950s, possibly because no one in Florida knows how to read. As a result, early plans leaked from Marvel reveal that Captain Citrus may not be the hero Florida deserves, but rather, the hero they need right now.
"Early designs show that Captain Citrus was created by government experiments to harness the power of citric acid, gone horribly awry," said a top secret source close to Marvel. "The experiments turn the anthropomorphic orange into a human killing machine, hellbent on vengeance against his oppressors."
According to the source, in a special comic book that will be distributed at schools and summer camps, Captain Citrus will take on fellow fruit-related superheroes in a hero vs. hero civil war that mirrors American politics. "There's one scene where Captain Citrus tears The Peachtree Kid right in half, exposing his bloody pit and spraying juice everywhere," explained our source. "It's pretty graphic."
In one story arc, a thought-controlled Captain Citrus murders several of his offspring in a mindless rage, leading to several issues full of angsty brooding before the storyline is forgotten altogether. In another, the Captain is seen mind-wiping Canteloupe-Man in order to prevent the do-gooder melon from interfering with the plans of a secret cabal of fruit-based superheroes to save the world from interdimensional invasion. Later, Captain Citrus is involved in a graphic sex scene with a kiwi.
"I'm not sure this is really appropriate for kids," admitted our source.
At press time, the popularity of oranges had failed to increase in the child and teen demographic, though forty-five year old males were reportedly buying bags of oranges in droves, encouraged by a series of collectible variant bags and the introduction of Captain Citrus's sexy female counterpart, Captain Titrus. The Outhouse will keep you updated on this story.