Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting from Washington, DC where I am currently attempting to trade President Obama fifty bucks, a ham sandwich with two bites taken out of it, and a sensual back rub for a couple of Cuban prisoners captured by US Soldiers while floating on a raft in the middle of the ocean. And let me tell you, my friends: negotiations are going swimmingly!
Rumors of Jason Momoa playing a role in Superman v. Batman, and thus the fledgling interconnected DC cinematic Universe, have been around for months, but they've resurfaced again, this time from HitFix. According to the scoop, Momoa will play Aquaman, and the Kind of Atlantis will be pretty pissed off about Superman's neck-snapping, city-destroying, planet-endangering rampage:
Someone else who's not particularly happy about what happened in that film is Aquaman. I'm not sure if that's the actual name they'll use or not, but what we're hearing is that he is not pleased about the World Engine and what it did to the Indian Ocean. He will not have a major role in the film, but he will make an appearance, and it definitely sets him up to return once Snyder gets to "Justice League."
Momoa was originally reported to be in talks with Warner Bros. as early as December of last year, though at the time we thought he might play the Martian Manhunter or Doomsday. Momoa being rumored for Aquaman flies in the face of standard fan-casting procedure, because Momoa does not have blonde hair, and we know that only actors and actresses who already look exactly like the fictional character in question can ever be cast in the role. Then again, Warner already defied industry norms when they neglected to cast Vin Diesel, Bryan Cranston, or Yul Brynner as Lex Luthor for this movie, opting to cast folically privileged Jesse Eisenberg instead.
Comrades, I know it may seem like DC and Warner are desperately throwing everything at the wall with this movie to see what sticks in a pathetic attempt to catch up to Marvel's cinematic universe without any of the painstaking forethought and planning that made The Avengers so successful. But don't worry! This is the same gambit I used when I sent by good buddy Che Guevarra to Bolivia to foment revolution with the jército de Liberación Nacional de Bolivia. Sure, it didn't look like we knew what we were doing, but in the end, we scored a great victory for communism when we... oh no wait, the Bolivians arrested Che and had him executed. Haw haw haw! Those Bolivians are such pissers!
Anyway, take this one to the bank, my friends! It's being reported pretty much everywhere and really, what the fuck else is Jason Momoa doing lately? Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice will be in theaters in 2016. Stay tuned to The Outhouse and Cubano-Review, the number one Latino-themed Hollywood gossip column run by a former Cuban dictator on the internet!