Thanks to a recent report from Bleeding Cool revealing that The Death of Wolverine #2 to #4, originally solicited for $3.99, would see a one dollar price hike to $4.99, many comic book readers are beginning to panic, fearing that five dollar comics will soon become the norm. And of course, they're right. As soon as a comic book publisher realizes you'll pay more for a single part of a five issue story full of splash pages and Bendis dialogue, they're going to make sure all comic books cost at least that much, regardless of whether costs require it. We saw it happen with $3.99 comics. We saw it with $2.99 comics. Hell, some of us saw it with 10 cent comics. You can bet your ass $4.99 will be the base price for comics before you know it.
But fear not! Marvel Comics understands what you're going through in these tough economic times, and they've got a solution that should ease your worries.
"We're going to offer financing for comic books," Marvel Editor in Chief Axel Alonso told reporters at a press conference Monday afternoon. "I'm so excited, I've had to change my pants three times today!"
Alonso laid out the plan: Readers go to their local comic book shop, now known as a "showroom," and check out what comics they might be interested in. After deciding on one, the customer and the customer's attorney will join a shop employee in the multi-purpose back room (Magic the Gathering tournament Fridays, sex dungeon Saturday nights, etc.) and sign an agreement to finance the comic with a three to five year mortgage at a variable interest rate.
"You just sign a couple hundred pages worth of contacts." Alonso explained matter-of-factly. "Bing, bang, boom, you're done."
"The Marvel Comics buying experience will never be the same again!" he shouted, pumping his fists in the air as red, white, and blue confetti fell from the ceiling and Stars and Stripes Forever blared from the PA system. After a few few awkward moments where the reporters failed to applaud as expected, Alonso moved on to a Q&A session.
Asked whether requiring small mortgages to purchase a single issue of a comic book might be pricing some potential new readers out of the market, Alonso balked. "Maybe if these were regular comics, but these are Marvel Comics. Rocking the Marvel Universe to its very foundations on a monthly basis is expensive."
Alonso then excused himself, saying he had multiple super-mega-crossover events to get super-mega-excited for, and Executive Editor Tom Brevoort took the stage to condescendingly berate the crowd for forty-five minutes, like a live version of his Tumblr.
Look for The Death of Wolverine, published weekly at five dollars an issue, in September. Make sure you've got good credit or you'll never get a good interest rate.