The comic book world was rocked to its core today as both Newsarama and CBR reported that there was, in existence, an Ultimate FF book being published by Marvel. This news was directly responsible for the deaths of 15 basement dwelling fanboys whose heart attacks went untreated due to fanboys having to cancel health insurance, and risk being arrested by President Obama’s New World Order, in order to afford Marvel’s $5 books come September.
“I just didn’t know what to do with the news,” began comic book reporter Haon Razeal, “I mean, I’m online most everyday reporting on or reading articles about comic books and I had no idea that this book was a thought, let alone a reality.”
Even annoying Millennials who know everything were caught off guard:
“I was reading about this on my HTC One (wishing it was a Nokia 3210) while riding my Huffy and was absolutely flabbergasted.” Said one useless piece of hipster garbage, “It’s my role in life to pay attention to and love the most unpopular and awful of things, and I completely missed the boat on this one. I’m so ashamed I’m thinking about considering the idea of shaving my ironic patchy troll beard.”
Debuting with just 23,000 orders in April, Ultimate FF comic dropped to just 17,000 sales in May. Experts estimate that, if the trend continued, the book would reach negative sales by November, which would mean Marvel would be purchasing issues of Ultimate FF drawn on bar napkins by fans, a road the publisher reportedly doesn't want to go down. "If we want to pay good money for amateurish scribbles, we've got Humberto Ramos on retainer," pointed out Marvel Editor in Chief Axel Alonso.
“Hold up a sec” Mr. Razeal interrupted, “’a road the publisher reportedly doesn't want to go down’ does this mean the book is canceled? What the… I don’t…huh? Then…”
No word yet if the lack of marketing, quality, or attention Ultimate FF received had anything to do with the rumors that Marvel will cease any and all Fantastic Four related material in order to punish Fox for not giving the movie rights back to Marvel…or something like that, it really makes no sense.