Monday, December 22, 2014 • Midnight Edition • "All nerds welcome. Bring your own toilet paper."

Cubano-Review: Standalone Batfleck Film "The Batman" Rumored for 2019

Written by El Presidente on Friday, June 20 2014 and posted in News with Benefits

Cubano-Review: Standalone Batfleck Film

A prediction so far in the future, there's no way anyone will remember if it ends up being total bullshit!


Source: Latino Review

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, here to bring you another taste of the sweet nectar of Hollywood gossip that you crave! Today, I'm reporting from to you live from an ISIS training camp in Iraq. It's not that I want to end the capitalist reign of terror of the American empire - I just can't get enough of working out in a thick black burqa! They're the new yoga pants, my friends!

Today's rumor comes to you from El Mayimbe, that poser from the number TWO Latino-themed Hollywood rumor site, Latino-Review (of course, my own Cubano-Review is number ONE, baby!). According to Mayimbe, while the recently revealed DC movie slate did not contain a standalone Batman film, fans of the Batfleck needn't worry! DC is planning one for 2019! With a working title of The Batman, there is no one else attached to the film, but Mayimbe suggests that Ben Affleck himself may direct it, which is great news, because his directing skills may make up for his terrible acting! Haw haw haw!

Of course, 2019 is a long way away, and everyone knows that actors age in dog years, which will make Affleck 87 years old by the time the movie hits theaters. Affleck will be so old, Warner Bros may need to cast an actress in her thirties to play his love interest, since one in her twenties might be a tad too unbelievable. With Harrison Ford breaking his leg on the set of Star Wars Episode 7 last week, Affleck will defintely want to take it easy on the action. Of course, the entire movie will probably be filmed in front of a green screen, so maybe they can just move the cameras around and Affleck can stand still the entire time.

As for the title, comrades, "The Batman" is probably a little too simple for Warner Bros. They're going to want to ad a colon and a tagline to that, like Superman v Batman: Dawn of Justice. It's like the time that my little buddy Che Guevara and I overthrew Guardians of the Galaxy star Fulgencio Batista and took over Cuba in 1959! Che wanted to just call it "The Revolution," but I told him, Che, the people need a catchy name to rally around. Then, on July 26th, my brother Raul and I were supposed to lead an attack on the Moncada barracks, but I had eaten some undercooked boliche the night before and I wound up on the toilet all day. Raul ended up losing the battle and getting thrown in jail, but Che and I had the name of our revolution, after my massive dump: The July 26th Movement! Haw haw haw!

Anyway, while I normally make fun of El Mayimbe because he's not half the Latino I am - just look at his beard compared to mine - I have to commend his rumormongering skills this time around. Predicting a movie for 2019 is such a great idea! Warner Bros have to make another Batman movie eventually, and since everyone knows a lot of things will change between now and then, no matter how different the end product ends up being, El Mayimbe can claim he predicted it first! That's how you score points in the Hollywood rumor game, my friends. Kudos to you, El Mayimbe. Maybe you're not as dumb as everyone says you are! Haw haw haw!

Stay tuned to The Outhouse and Cubano-Review for more Latino-themed Hollywood news and gossip! I've got to go jump over a flaming pit with my AK47 and swing on the monkey bars! It gives me the skills needed to fight the imperialist ambitions of your out-of-control oligarchy, and it's lots of fun at the same time! Adios!






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About the Author - El Presidente


El Presidente gave up his position as President and Prime Minister of Cuba, as well as First Secretary of Cuba's Communist Party, in 2008 in order to concentrate on his true love: Hollywood gossip reporting. Forming the rumor website Cubano Review, El Presidente built a name for himself based on over THREE DOZEN industry credited trade scoops. Unfortunately, capitalist American trade embargoes have rendered CubanoReview.com unreachable from within the United States, forcing El Presidente to syndicate his articles to The Outhouse, which flies under the radar of the American oligarchy thanks to most leaders assuming it is a scat porn site, which, to be fair, is basically true.

 


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