Michael Bay's Transformers movies are known for crushing the hearts and souls of Transformer's fandom with stupidity and awfulness, but it's a Chinese real estate company that's bringing the pain-gu on the fourth installment in the horrow show franchise, Transformers: Age of Extinction. The Beijing Pangu Investment Co. Ltd. is suing the movie, claiming that Paramount and its Chinese partners failed to live up to their end of the bargain in a sponsorship deal. The company owns a gigantic hotel/shopping mall/entertainment complex shaped like a dragon and reportedly the size of twelve football fields. Pangu Plaza was, according to the complaints, supposed to host the world premiere of the film as well as be prominently featured (and probably destroyed by Bay's CGI monstrosities) in the movie and in advertising campaigns.
Well, it seems that something went wrong, and Pangu claims it lost a shitload of money as a result. The premiere was held in Hong Kong instead, and the company's property was not featured in trailers and posters, as allegedly promised. Pangu wants the Chinese government to block movie theaters from showing the movie and demands that all scenes featuring its properties or logo be deleted. But a statement released to the press by Pangu spokesman, the honorable Yuan-Bi Sta Ting Sum Ting, may have revealed other motives at play. We've obtained a full report of the statements from the San Francisco Bay Area's KTVU News.
"In good faith, our company agreed to a partnership with Michael Bay and his associates, a lucrative deal that would have resulted in tons of business for Pangu properties," Mr. Yuan-Bi said in the statement. "But Transformers failed to deliver."
"The entire franchise has failed to deliver in several other areas as well," Yuan-Bi continued. "First of all, the plots are exceptionally stupid, even for kids toy movies. Continuity is a mess. Story elements that were important in one film are forgotten about in the next. At the end of the first movie, the world knew about the Transformers. At the start of the second, they didn't. Somehow the government covered up a massive fight in LA. The Matrix of Leadership was destroyed in the second movie, but somehow it is still around in the third. What the fuck is going on here?"
"And don't get us started on the Decepticons," he went on. "Their plans make no sense. They were creating an army in the second movie while they already had an army on the moon. And none of the Decepticons have any personality except for Megatron. The Autobots are no better. They're dicks. The black ones are racist stereotypes. Optimus Prime is a murderer. Bumblebee pees on people."
Yuan-Bi Sta Ting Sum Ting taunts Michael Bay at a press conference. [photo: KTVU News]
The littanny of complaints form Pangu appears to be endless. "The action scenes between Transformers are a blurry mess. Autobots change ranks without any explanation of what happened to them. How the hell did Shockwave sneak a gigantic robotic worm onto Earth without anyone noticing. Devastator balls.The awful music behind scenes of Megan Fox posing. Shia LaBeouf. The movies are basically US military wank fests."
Despite plans to pursue the lawsuit to the highest courts in China, Pangu says it plans to move forward on plans to sponsor Bay's upcoming Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as well, if for no other reason than to have another chance to sue Bay for making crappy movies.
"We've got a lot of complaints lined up about that one already," Yuan-Bi told KTVU. "We're really gonna let Bay have it."
You're a true American hero, Yuan-Bi Sta Ting Sum Ting. Er. A true Chinese hero.
We'll keep you updated on this breaking story. Bay's Transformers: Age of Extinction opens in both Chinese and American theaters next Friday, June 27, unless Pangu is able to save us all.