Marvel Comics released an image today of two interlocking Spider-Verse baby variants by Skottie Young, due to hit stores with the release of Superior Spider-Man #32 on August 6th and Amazing Spider-Man #9 in November. The move highlights a growing problem in the industry, where Skottie Young baby variants are multiplying at a rate top scientists have deemed a pandemic, with incredibly cute, baby versions of popular Marvel characters gracing variant covers for nearly every book the company publishes. Extremely popular with comics buyers, the variants have reached critical mass, and, if something is not done, many scientists believe they could take over the industry so that every single cover for every book is a Skottie Young baby cover or clone of one by another artist, possibly with additional Skottie Young baby variants in addition to the main one.
"It's really a matter of the eco-system becoming unbalanced," explained Professor of Variant Toxicology and the Human Genome at the prestigious DeVry University, Thaddeus T. Puffinbottoms. "The natural predator of baby variants, unnecessarily sexy female character variants, have come under a lot of pressure from feminists and liberals pushing for less exploitation of women and more inclusiveness of a wider audience. But without comic book covers causing male readers to become sexually excited, and with no other real interaction with the opposite sex, their bodies begin to produce less testosterone, causing them to find cute, baby versions of Wolverine and Captain America irresistibly adorable."
Professor Puffinbottoms believes that the effects could be balanced by introducing more testosterone to male readers, by forced injection if necessary, and the FDA has recently approved a new form of anabolic steroids designed to combat the effects of the baby variants. However, comic book readers are often wary of taking experimental drugs because, in the comic book stories they are so fond of, the use of such drugs often results in characters becoming evil monstrosities with indecipherable accents and hiddeously mutated anatomies, like Batman villain Bane or any character drawn by Rob Liefeld. But Puffinbottoms believes a new form of treatment, hiding the drugs inside Cheetos, Twinkies, French fries, Pizza Hut pizza, and other popular fanboy food staples, could help ease some of the fears and distribute the drugs quickly enough to curb the pandemic.
Unfortunately, clinical trials for the drug could take months to complete before the drug becomes widely available. In that case, Puffinbottoms recommends that readers try looking at some of the remaining sex woman variants in order to produce the hormones naturally.
"Pretty much just get anything Dynamite puts out," Puffinbottoms recommended. "Have you seen the Purgatori covers that were recently showcased on Bleeding Cool? No? Let's look at them together."
Purgatory #1 Cover by Jose Luis
"Yeah, that's what I'm talking about," Puffinbottoms remarked upon seeing the cover. "Let's have more of those."
Purgatori #1 Cover by Nei Ruffino
Purgatori #1 Cover by Kyle Strahm
"Oooh yeah," said Puffinbottoms, his voice low and husky. "Mmmm. We're gonna lick this disease yet..."
Purgatori #1 Cover by Joyce Chin
Purgatori #1 Cover by Tim Seeley
"Hummina hummina hummina," Puffinbottoms gasped. "Keep 'em com... OH GOD NO!"
Purgatori #1 Baby Variant by Tony Fleecs
"My god, it's even spread to Dynamite!" Puffinbottoms cried. "We're doomed! Doomed!"
Stay tuned to The Outhouse, where we will be paying very serious attention to this... AAAWWWW ISN'T THAT JUST SO CUTE! I WANNA BUY THREE OF THEM!!!