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William Shatner Declares War on "Nobodies" Over Twitter Verification

Written by Jude Terror on Monday, June 23 2014 and posted in News with Benefits

William Shatner Declares War on

Captain Kirk is miffed that bloggers can have the same little blue checkmark next to their Twitter names as he can.

Captain's log, stardate 92080.13. There's been an outbreak of "nobodies" getting their accounts verified on Twitter, which has drawn the ire of the captain of the USS Delusional Narcissism, William Shatner. Shatner took to Twitter to decry the phenomenon after noticing that various employees of the tech blog Engadget had verified Twitter accounts, despite not being anywhere near as famous as William Shatner himself. We're beaming down a reporter to investigate. Set phasers to screenshot!

It seems these "nobodies" are some kind of race of evolved primates, capable of tweeting just like human beings. Further research may be required...

Despite harrassing the Twitter @verified team to fix this injustice, Shatner received little more than mockery across the internet for his troubles. So he did what any brave intergalactic hero would do - he threw a tantrum and demanded that his own account be unverified.

Basically, it's the plot of the Dr. Seuss story about the Sneetches (try reading it really dramatically with lots of needless pauses, picturing bongo drums in the background):

Now, the Star-Belly Sneetches
Had bellies with stars.
The Plain-Belly Sneetches
Had none upon thars.

Those stars weren't so big. They were really so small
You might think such a thing wouldn't matter at all.

But, because they had stars, all the Star-Belly Sneetches
Would brag, "We're the best kind of Sneetch on the Beaches."
With their snoots in the air, they would sniff and they'd snort
"We'll have nothing to do with the Plain-Belly sort!"
And whenever they met some, when they were out walking,
They'd hike right on past them without even talking.


Spoiler alert for the rest - the plain-bellied sneetches manage to get stars painted on their bellies by a machine invented by a snake oil salesman named Sylvester McMonkey McBean (think Dan Didio, but more likable), causing the star-bellied sneetches to remove their own stars to be special again. Rinse and repeat a few times until...

All the rest of that day, on those wild screaming beaches,
The Fix-it-Up Chappie kept fixing up Sneetches.
Off again! On again!
In again! Out again!
Through the machines they raced round and about again,
Changing their stars every minute or two.
They kept paying money. They kept running through
Until neither the Plain nor the Star-Bellies knew
Whether this one was that one... or that one was this one
Or which one was what one... of what one was who.

Then, when every last cent
Of their money was spent,
The Fix-it-Up Chappie packed up
And he went.

And he laughed as he drove
In his car up the beach,
"They never will learn.
No. You can't teach a Sneetch!"

But McBean was quite wrong. I'm quite happy to say
That the Sneetches got really quite smart on that day,
The day they decided that Sneetches are Sneetches
And no kind of Sneetch is the best on the beaches.
That day, all the Sneetches forgot about stars
And whether they had one, or not, upon thars.


Perhaps William Shatner will come out of this learning something too. As of today, Shatner's account, as well as the accounts of all those nobody bloggers, remain verified. We'll keep you posted.


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About the Author - Jude Terror

Jude Terror is the Webmaster Supreme of The Outhouse and a sarcastic ace reporter dedicated to delivering irreverent comics and entertainment news to The Outhouse's dozens of loyal readers. Driven by a quest for vengeance, Jude Terror taught himself to program and joined The Outhouse. He instantly began working toward his goal of forcing the internet comics community to take itself less seriously and failing miserably. A certified trash eater ruining the pristine field of comics journalism with his sarcasm and goofiness, Jude Terror is secretly friendly and congenial, so if you've got a complaint, why not just bring it up to him instead of subtweeting like a jackass, jackass? You can find him on Twitter or try your luck with an email, but keep in mind that he is notoriously unreliable and may not get back to you right away. Unless you want to send him free stuff, in which case he'll get back to you immediately.

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