Source: ThanosCopter Newswire
Multiple news sources are reporting that basketball superstar LeBron James will opt out of his current contract with the Miami Heat and become a free agent for the second time in his career. While there's several basketball teams interested in securing the superstar's talent, he's also attracted the attention of at least one unusual employer.
"I would literally kill to have LeBron James as our new editor in chief," said DC executive Dan Didio. "Seriously, who do I need to kill to make this happen?"
With sales lagging behind chief competitior Marvel in recent months, DC executives have been desperately searching for a creative solution that doesn't involve holofoil variant cover gimmick months. When news broke this morning about James' decision, Didio immediately began working the phone to entice the athlete to leave basketball and join the lucrative career path of comic book executive.
"We have yachts," explained Didio. "We have tiki rooms. We have bedroom portfolio reviews. We can offer LeBron a lot of things that basketball teams legally can't."
Surprisingly, Didio is at an advantage over other potential suitors. While the NBA's rules technically prohibit other basketball teams from contacting James before the free agency period begins July 1 (something that the Miami Heat easily skirted around in 2010), there's no rule that prevents desperate comic publishers from contacting basketball players with job offers.
What's unclear is whether Didio's recent loss in the annual "Executives vs. Interns" street basketball game is influencing his decision to pursue James. Didio was allegedly frustrated with his team last year, which included a Jim Lee that sunned himself in the middle of the court and a Bob Harras that would frequently be distracted by bright noises and repeatedly confused the basketball for one of Wonder Girl's breasts.
We reached out to DC Basketball MVP Vlad Kozinkerov about the recent game and whether or not he believed it was related to DC's decision to pursue James. "They tell me 'Vlad, go put ball in hoop,' so that is what I do," Kozinkerov told the Outhouse. "Mr. Didio kept challenging me to make shots farther and farther from rim, but would be upset when I make shots again and again."
When asked where he got his basketball skills from, Kozinkerov shrugged. "American game of basketball reminds me a little of Russian game I played as child called 'Throw small cannon balls at polar bear before it eat baby sister'. I'm sure any new hire of DC experienced similar childhood."
Didio is reportedly offering James a salary in the mid-hundred thousands range, a moderately sized corner office, and the perk of kicking Bob Harras whenever he feels like it. Sources close to James report that while the two sides are far apart in terms of salary demands, James is intrigued by the idea of moving to a company with no discernable talent, as it's "like being in Cleveland all over again."
NBA free agency begins next week. James will probably announce his decision on live television while taking a shit on the city of Cleveland shortly after.
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About the Author - ThanosCopter
ThanosCopter is a specially designed helicopter built to transport Thanos the Mad Titan. Built by Sterling Custom Helicopters, ThanosCopter appeared in several Marvel comics, before being abandoned by its owner during the character's ascension into major villainy. ThanosCopter was discovered by the Outhouse and given a second chance at life. He now buzzes merrily around the comic book industry, spreading snark, satire and humor like candy to small children.
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