In the wake of a United States Supreme Court ruling this morning that granted corporations the right to refuse to pay healthcare costs for birth control for employees, the comic book industry is looking into ways they can exploit corporations' newly won right to become exempt from laws based on religious beliefs. Marvel and DC reacted quickly to this morning's controversial Burwell vs. Hobby Lobby ruling by attempting to rifle through their employees' desks and purses and remove all birth control from the premises. However, both companies were quickly rebuffed, learning that, despite overwhelming Twitter reaction to the contrary, the ruling might not apply to all corporations, but only those owned by a small number of individuals like family or friends. Who the fuck knows? The ruling is like a thousand pages.
"I felt sure that, due to to the tremendous outpouring of outrage from comics creators, fans, and media, this must have something to do with us," said Marvel Editor in Chief Axel Alonso. "I mean, seriously, my entire Twitter feed was filled with this stuff for about two hours. Unfortunately, it turns out that most of our employees are underpaid freelancers and not eligible for healthcare coverage anyways, so Marvel is minimally impacted."
"Mmmmpphhhlllhhppphhh?" asked DC Editor in Chief Bob Harras, who had stuffed his mouth full of birth control pills taken from female employees' desks, believing them to be candy.
While Marvel and DC are unfortunately unable to exploit the new ruling directly, sources are telling The Outhouse that both publishers are looking into other ways they can take advantage of the ruling. "We might not be able to fuck over employees with this particular ruling, but we've got plenty of other ways to make their lives hell," said a source from one company.
According to our sources, Dan Didio has announced an executive retreat where the entire DC Comics editorial team will discuss whether "not wanting people to say mean things about us on the internet" qualifies as a religious belief, and whether their own fans are, as a result, responsible for religious persecution.
"We might be able to sue them," Didio reportedly told fellow executives, touting the awfulness of the Nu52 reboot that began in 2011 as ahead of its time, making the number two comics publisher the industry leader for this lucrative new business model. "The worse our comics are, the more people will complain, resulting in higher profits. DC has been laying the groundwork by publishing terrible comics that our fans hate for almost three years now."
Marvel, for their part, will reportedly explore whether popular character Wolverine's propensity for stabbing his own children to death with adamantium claws qualifies as birth control, and, if so, whether Marvel could dock creators' pay when the trope is used in their books.
"I'll be ruined," said Jason Aaron, reportedly, when learning of the rumor.
Another Supreme Court ruling this morning dealt a blow to labor unions, ruling that partial government employees could not be forced to pay union dues if they don't want to, even if the union bargains on their behalf. That ruling is not expected to have as large an impact on comics, however, as the industry has been crushing any attempts at organized labor in comics since the 1970s.
At press time, both companies were reconsidering their plans, as Twitter outrage had disappeared almost as quickly as it began, with most creators, fans, and press moving on to discuss the recently announced two new Batman books DC plans to publish.
"What were we talking about?" replied Axel Alonso, eyes glazed over, when we asked him for comment. Bob Harras was unavailable, having been rushed to the hospital to have his stomach pumped. We'll keep you updated.