John Barrowfur, a 31 year old comic book fan from Charleston, WV, has publicly asked his friends and family to stop telling him that Archie Andrews was being killed off this week by Archie Comics. Barrowfur had previously been contacted by over 20 of his friends and family asking whether he had heard the news that Archie was about to die at the hands of a gay hating assassin in this week's Life With Archie.
Speaking to his relatives and casual acquaintences via a Facebook post, Barrowfur, an insurance adjuster by day, made it clear that he had been aware of Archie's pending death for months, as Archie Comics had previously announced the storyline several months ago. "I, too, have read about and/or seen the national news reports about Archie's death, mainly because I'm not a shut in and stay up to date on current events," Barrowfur said in his statement. "And unlike the rest of you putzes, I also read that Archie's death was only occuring in the alternate universe series 'Life with Archie'. The key words in that last sentence are 'alternate' and 'universe'. So, no I really don't care about Archie getting killed off."
Barrowfur then explained that comic books often used alternate universes to kill off popular characters without consequence, and that Archie Comics was employing a shock strategy that had successfully duped people into caring and getting outraged about a death that wasn't really happening.
Other highlights in the Facebook included Barrowfur explaining that Archie Comics has been a progressive publisher for years, and that Archie Comics taking a stance against gun control and bigotry wasn't surprising at all. Barrowfur also admonished his Facebook friends for presuming that he somehow cared about Archie simply because he made it publicly known that he enjoys comic books. "Do I ask you if you saw the score of a Canadian Football League game just because I know you enjoy watching West Virginia play on Saturday nights?" he said. "Do I bring up that Tesla is coming out with a new electric car because you like cars? It's the same damn thing!"
The Facebook rant ended with Barrowfur assuring that Archie would still be appearing in other Archie Comics in future weeks, not that any of his friends and family planned on picking up an Archie comic anyways. "But, if you do decide you want to read Archie again, pick up Afterlife with Archie," Barrowfur added. "It's about Jughead leading a zombie horde and turning Riverdale into zombies. And there's incest and lesbian teenage sex, too."