You might have heard about Marvel's announcement that Sam Wilson, aka The Falcon, will be taking over the mantle of Captain America later this year. Not only has this generated a weird amount of fan rage and upset feelings, it's also generated a lot of LISTS about who else has carried Captain America's famed somewhat indestructible shield.
Since we here at the Outhouse love the sweet, sweet ad money and hits that LISTS bring, we've compiled a list of five notable characters who have never actually touched Captain America's shield.
1) Scott Pilgrim
Surprisingly, the famed teen with somewhat above average fighting skills has never been considered as a serious Captain America replacement. Maybe it's because he's Canadian, or maybe it's because he's an immature twat that likes to date high schoolers, or maybe it's because Cap is still put off with Pilgrim after he wound up with Ramona Flowers instead of Kim Pine (WHOM WE ALL AGREE WAS THE ONE HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN WITH). Whatever the reason, it doesn't appear that Pilgrim will be carrying Cap's shield anytime soon.
2) Indiana Jones
Despite racking up a three figure body count killing Nazis, Marvel has never really thought of switching out one World War II relic with another. It wouldn't be that bold for Marvel to switch Indy with Captain America. Disney owns the rights to both characters, and both have dabbled in politics at various times in their careers (no one ever brings up Indy's time as president as shown to the left. Perhaps Indiana Jones has never been a viable replacement candidate because Jones would demand that Cap's shield be put in its rightful place: a museum.
3) Jack Nicklaus
Not only is Jack Nicklaus only a few years younger than Cap, he also has a very impressive resume, including 18 major golf tournament wins and a face that puts the fear of God in anyone who dares to mess with the good ol' US of A. It's a crime that the Golden Bear hasn't been considered as a viable alternative to replace Captain America at least once. Of course, if Jack were to take on the role as Captain America, he might officially have to quit playing professional golf. There's no way the PGA would be okay with someone dosing up on supersoldier serum rejoining their tour.
4) Bus Stop Ned
Bus Stop Ned is the lovable overweight tramp putzing around in various Nix comic books. Vulgar, obese and physically unattractive, Bus Stop Ned really represents the modern American, and would be a great replacement for Cap, who really stopped being the ideal American decades ago. Of course, while Bus Stop Ned is a popular character in his hometown of Columbus, OH, most mainstream comics folk have probably not heard of Bus Stop Ned, which might dampen his appeal. Still, let it be known that the Outhouse believes in adding indie and small press comics characters to our blatant hit grabbing lists.
5) Jesus Christ
A wise man once said "Nothing is more American than Jesus Christ." With an impressive power set that includes necromancy, transmutation and healing powers, Jesus would be a great way for Marvel to pander to the religious right while introducing an even more morally righteous version of the Star-Spangled Avenger. We imagine that Jesus could be the secret "first" Captain America, replacing Isaiah Bradley. Not only would a shield wielding Jesus make from some great imagery, it would also add a whole other level to all those parables Jesus liked to toss around.
So that's our obviously well thought out list of potential Captain America replacements. Who are some characters you think should replaced the Star-Spangled Avenger?
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About the Author - ThanosCopter
ThanosCopter is a specially designed helicopter built to transport Thanos the Mad Titan. Built by Sterling Custom Helicopters, ThanosCopter appeared in several Marvel comics, before being abandoned by its owner during the character's ascension into major villainy. ThanosCopter was discovered by the Outhouse and given a second chance at life. He now buzzes merrily around the comic book industry, spreading snark, satire and humor like candy to small children.
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