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Road To SDCC: Where Have All The Homeless Gone?

Written by GHERU on Monday, July 21 2014 and posted in News with Benefits

Road To SDCC: Where Have All The Homeless Gone?

Where is my Marlboro Man
Where is his shiny gun
Where is my lonely ranger
Where have all the cowboys gone

Source: Advocate claims police are moving in on homeless to remove them before Comic-Con begins

This past Saturday, July 19, San Diego ABC affiliate KGTV, News Channel 10, covered reports of the city’s homeless being removed from the areas surrounding the San Diego Convention Center, home of the San Diego Comic-Con. Homeless advocate, David Ross told KGTV that “San Diego police are rounding up people to make way for the biggest city event in the city, Comic-Con.” James Loften, homeless, showed KGTV reporter Rielle Creighton where the

Officers came and woke me up at about six in the morning and told me I was under arrest for illegal lodging and encroachment," he said. "I'm like, 'But all I did was go to sleep.'

Loften showed 10News the ticket along with the stay-away order for the street he received from San Diego police, right before he says he was carted off to jail.

When contacted by News Channel 10 a spokesperson for Mayor Kevin Faulconer explained that "Comic Con is nearly a week away" and there was no reason to "crack down this early.”

The spokesman added the only thing police are doing now is homeless outreach and getting beds and meals to those in the worst condition.

That’s all well and good, but we here at the Outhouse know that there is something far more nefarious going on here, namely the rounding up and brainwashing of San Diego’s homeless for….some reason. We’re not really sure yet, but as a news organization it is our responsibility to irrationally and dangerously spew out nonsense before all the facts are in. It’s called “reporting” and we took our lessons from CNN coverage of the first Malaysian plane tragedy and their speculation that the plane might have been sucked into a black hole.

With that being said, let’s welcome our panel:

Representing the Left are world renowned white knights Dr. Joseph Smith and Sea Jay Morrison and representing the reactionaries (black knights?) are well known conservatives Dick Johnston and Robert Aphid, Esq. Just to even things off, representing everyone else are The Knights Who Say Ni.

RU: Thank you all for joining us. Dr. Smith, I’d like to start with you: considering all of the facts we don’t know, what is your initial gut reaction to the reports of homeless being driven away from the location of SDCC?

Dr. Smith: RU, I think it’s deplorable. These are human beings that the city is rounding up to use as slave labor in order to keep the air conditioning running during the convention.

RU: Interesting, please continue.

Dr. Smith: I’ve read, on the internet, that the city of San Diego has recently invested in 50 “human sized” running wheels. The only logical reason for these purchases is to force the homeless of San Diego to run non-stop for three days as the kinetic energy from the wheels is transformed into free electricity for the convention.

RU: Yes, that is the only logical explanation. Sea Jay, anything to add?

Sea Jay: Only that Dr. Smith is underplaying the detestation these actions will have on our society on the whole. What needs to be considered is who will be the next set of guinea pigs to “run the wheels” for SDCC? I’ll tell you who, children! Won’t someone please think of the children! I have dedicated my life to the cause of keeping humans off of running wheels, and each of my blond dreads represents a homeless person I wish I had helped.

RU: Umm…Knights Who Say Ni?

Head Knight: Ni!

Knights Of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!

RU: That’s one way to look at it. Johnston, Aphid, anything you want to say regarding these totally made up scenarios that have no basis in fact?

Robert Aphid, Esq: Only to ask “who cares?” It’s not like these are useful members of society. They are the holes; freeloaders and addicts, and it’s about time they were put to good use.

RU: I’m not sure you can say that.

Knights Of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!

RU: I wasn’t talking to you, Ni.

Knights Of Ni: Ni!

Dick Johnston: Yea, Rob, you’re making us look bad. RU, Do we know yet if the city will be paying the homeless for their services?

RU: No, as I have said we don’t know anything. In fact, this whole air conditioning thing was made up on the spot by Dr. Smith and I am not really sure why you are reacting as if it were a reasonable option.

Dick: I agree, we need to wait and see what more information comes in regarding the running wheels before we pass judgment.

RU: No, you don’t get it…

Knights Of Ni: Get us a shrubbery! NI!

RU: Stop it!

Knights Of Ni: Ni!

Aphid: Again, who cares? Wake me when someone who matters has to run the wheel.

Sea Jay: Take that back! Everyone matters!

Aphid: Wash your hair, hippie. Dreads don’t look good on white girls.

Sea Jay: I cannot believe you just said that. I am 1/32 Jamaican thank you very much and these dreads are a part of my heritage.

RU: Knights Who Say Ni, please, save me from these people.

Knights Who Say Ni: We are no longer the knights who say Ni! We are now the knights who say ekki-ekki-ekki-pitang-zoom-boing!

RU: Oh for fucks sake!

From there the interview deteriorated into everyone telling Sea jay that her name was stupid and the creation of a list of people who it wouldn’t be a bad idea if they were made to “run the wheel.” No one ever bothered to come back to the fact that the entire conversation what based on a made up fact. Meaning it was a successful cable news type roundtable.

So, if you see any homeless around the SDCC, give them some water. Chances are they are very tired from (not) providing air-conditioning to fanboys who stain their sweatpants just by standing up.


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About the Author - GHERU

RU, or as he’s known in the writers’ room: the cute one, is relatively unappreciated in his time.  RU’s YouTube show, RUviews is watched by literally multiple people every month and his Outhouse articles have helped line many a bird cage.  Before you send RU a message, he knows that there are misspelled words in this article, and probably in this bio he was asked to write.  RU wants everyone to know that after 25+ years of collecting he still loves comic books and can’t believe how seriously fanboys take them.  RU lives in Akron Ohio (unfortunately) with WIFE, ‘lilRuRu, and the @DogGodThor.  You can also find him on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, & even Google+ (if anyone still uses that).


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