Friday night came and went at San Diego Comic Con, and that means that roughly two and a half dozen of this year's finest comic book creators walked away with what we presume to be shiny, gold, nude statues of The Spirit. What? We've never seen an Eisner! We don't know what it looks like! The point is, the Eisner Award winners were announced.
Saga won the most awards, taking away one for Best Continuing Series, one for Best Writer (Brian K. Vaughan) and one for Best Painter/Multimedia Artist (Fiona Staples). Hawkeye's "Pizza Dog" story win best single issue, and David Aja won for Best Cover artist for that series. Scott Snyder and Sean Murphy won Best Limited Series for The Wake, and Murphy also won Best Penciller. Matt Fraction and Chip Zdarsky's Sex Criminals won Best New Series. Jordie Bellaire won best Colorist. There was some other big names taking away awards too. Jeff Smith won an Eisner for RASL, Jaime Hernandez won for Love and Rockets, Paul Pope won for Battling Boy, Faith Erin Hicks for Adventures of Superhero Girl.
You know, so, yadda yadda yadda, a bunch of people won awards. We'll list them all at the bottom. But what about the category nearest and dearest to our hearts? What about the awkwardly named Best Comics-Related Periodical/Journalism category? Let's see, Multiversity was nominated. Comics and Cola. The Comics Journal twice. Who won?
(Anyone but Comic Book Resources... Anyone but Comic Book Resources... Anyone but Comic Book...)
It was Comic Book Resources. That's right, the website that gets 99% of its revenue from the banner ads paid for by the top three or four major publishers they primarily cover won the Eisner Award. For the third time. The website that lures comic book creators to their private yacht or tiki bars at conventions while The Outhouse is stuck trying to get Zenescope editors to accept handjobs from Jeremy Shane in a back alley behind the convention center in exchange for free copies of their X-rated variants? The website that employs Albert Ching?!
Folks, I don't know how much more of this I can handle. Just because a website is the most popular and credible online destination for comics-related news on the internet, should it win an Eisner? I ask you, just because a website is one of the top few sources for comics news that the rest of the websites report on, does that mean they should be given an award? Should they win the top spot because their work is always produced to the highest professional standards (well, unless that work includes the opportunity to post explicit images of barbarian rape with no warning)? Just because I secretly enjoy reading Albert Ching's EXCLUSIVES, does that mean we begrudgingly respect them and think they deserve this?!
Let's talk about something else. As you know, The Outhousers have been running a Patreon campaign to try to raise some of the money we don't get from writing puff pieces and giving event comics five star reviews. We've already hit our first goal and are halfway to our second. WIth that in mind, and in the wake of these Eisner announcements, I think it's time we add another stretch goal to the project.
So, if The Outhouse can manage to raise $10,000 in crowd funding a month, we promise, next year, we will win the Eisner.
*Outhouse Editor in Chief Christian Hoffer barges into the Outhouse News Room*
Christian Hoffer: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! You can't do that!
Jude Terror: What? Why not?
CH: We have to deliver on these goals. We can't just promise we'll win an Eisner. Are you insane?!
JT: Why not?
CH: Because we don't have any control over that, you idiot! I don't even know who picks these! The Comics Code Authority or the Supreme Court or something!
JT: But we write the best articles. Look at this one. It's fantastic.
CH: At best, this article is mediocre.
CH: It recycles jokes from at least four other articles.
JT: Well, yeah.
CH: It's not really that funny to begin with.
CH: And on top of that, it comes off like you're jealous and petty.
JT: I'm sure our readers can tell that this is tongue in cheek and we're actually showing CBR tough love and, at the same time, respect, and that...
CH (interrupting): Is that really what you're doing? Really? Come on, man.
CH: I thought so. You know, it doesn't have to always be about you.
JT: It's not always about me...
CH: This is the time for the Eisner Award winners to shine. This is CBR's moment. Let them have this.
JT: But I don't wanna.
JT: I don't wanna!
CH: Jude, don't make me call your wife...
JT: Fine! It's their moment to shine.
CH: Even Albert Ching.
JT: Oh come on!
JT: Even... Even Albert Ching.
CH: Now tell the nice people at Comic Book Resources "congratulations."
CH: Tell them!
JT: *sigh* Congratulations, Comic Book Resources. And all the rest of the 2014 Eisner Award winners, as listed below:
Best Single Issue (or One-Shot)
Hawkeye #11: “Pizza Is My Business,” by Matt Fraction and David Aja (Marvel) (PIZZA DOG!!!)
Best Continuing Series
Saga, by Brian K. Vaughan and Fiona Staples (Image)
Best Limited Series
The Wake, by Scott Snyder and Sean Murphy (Vertigo/DC)
Best New Series
Sex Criminals, by Matt Fraction and Chip Zdarsky (Image)
Best Publication for Early Readers (up to age 7)
Itty Bitty Hellboy, by Art Baltazar and Franco (Dark Horse)
Best Publication for Kids (ages 8-12)
The Adventures of Superhero Girl, by Faith Erin Hicks (Dark Horse)
Best Publication for Teens (ages 13-17)
Battling Boy, by Paul Pope (First Second)
Best Humor Publication
Vader’s Little Princess, by Jeffrey Brown (Chronicle)
Dark Horse Presents, edited by Mike Richardson (Dark Horse)
Best Reality-Based Work
The Fifth Beatle: The Brian Epstein Story, by Vivek J. Tiwary, Andrew C. Robinson, and Kyle Baker (M Press/Dark Horse)
Best Graphic Album—New
The Property, by Rutu Modan (Drawn & Quarterly)
Best Adaptation from Another Medium
Richard Stark’s Parker: Slayground, by Donald Westlake, adapted by Darwyn Cooke (IDW)
Best Graphic Album—Reprint
RASL, by Jeff Smith (Cartoon Books)
Best Archival Collection/Project—Strips
Tarzan: The Complete Russ Manning Newspaper Strips, vol. 1, edited by Dean Mullaney (LOAC/IDW)
Best Archival Collection/Project—Comic Books
Will Eisner’s The Spirit Artist’s Edition, edited by Scott Dunbier (IDW)
Best U.S. Edition of International Material
Goddam This War! by Jacques Tardi and Jean-Pierre Verney (Fantagraphics)
Best U.S. Edition of International Material—Asia
The Mysterious Underground Men, by Osamu Tezuka (PictureBox)
Brian K. Vaughan, Saga (Image)
Jaime Hernandez, Love and Rockets New Stories #6 (Fantagraphics)
Best Penciller/Inker or Penciller/Inker Team
Sean Murphy, The Wake (DC/Vertigo)
Best Painter/Multimedia Artist (interior art)
Fiona Staples, Saga (Image)
Best Cover Artist
David Aja, Hawkeye (Marvel)
Jordie Bellaire, The Manhattan Projects, Nowhere Men, Pretty Deadly, Zero (Image); The Massive (Dark Horse); Tom Strong (DC); X-Files Season 10 (IDW); Captain Marvel, Journey into Mystery (Marvel); Numbercruncher (Titan); Quantum and Woody (Valiant)
Darwyn Cooke, Richard Stark’s Parker: Slayground (IDW)
Best Comics-Related Periodical/Journalism
Comic Book Resources, produced by Jonah Weiland, www.comicbookresources.com
Best Comics-Related Book
Genius, Illustrated: The Life and Art of Alex Toth, by Dean Mullaney and Bruce Canwell (LOAC/IDW)
Best Scholarly/Academic Work
Black Comics: Politics of Race and Representation, edited by Sheena C. Howard and Ronald L. Jackson II (Bloomsbury)
Best Publication Design
Genius, Illustrated: The Life and Art of Alex Toth, designed by Dean Mullaney (LOAC/IDW)
CH: That was big of you, man.
JT: Thanks, man.
CH: I know this is hard for you. But it's a big step.
JT: One day at a time.
CH: Do you think anyone is still reading this?
JT: I doubt it.
CH: So do you think we could really raise $10,000?
JT: I doubt it.