At the Warner Bros Movies Panel, congoers in Hall H at San Diego Comic Con were treated to the very first teaser trailer for Superman v Batman: Dawn of Justice. Fans have been anxiously awaiting new information about the movie since it was revealed that most of the plot leaks over the past year have probably been the result of an elaborate prank perpetrated by Warner and Kevin Smith. The Outhouse was not present at the event because we are persona non grata with the Warner Bros corporation, and also we haven't heard from our on-the-scene reporters Jeremy Shane and Angela Jones for days. They may be dead. But thanks to state of the art 1970s spy camera technology inside our decomissioned supervillain signature vehicle and ace reporter, ThanosCopter, we were able to obtain this description of events:
The teaser opens with a chubby, Frank Miller-esque Batman standing in the rain on a rooftop in Gotham. His eyes are solid white. He uncovers a bat signal from underneath a tarp and shines it into the sky. Superman is directly in the path of the light of the Bat Signal, and he looks pissed, kind of like me when cars are driving down the opposite side of the road at night and they don't turn their fucking high beams off. Dicks. Batman is a dick. Superman's eyes glow red. Then the camera pans across the sky and there's Wonder Woman flying in her invisible jet. She sees Superman and frowns. Meanwhile, running on the ground is The Flash. The Flash sees Wonder Woman frowning and he grimmaces. The Flash runs by a beach and the camera turns to see Aquaman coming out of the water, arching his eyebrows. Then the camera cuts far back into space, and we see Green Lantern, who squints menacingly...
*five hours later*
...and then Haunted Tank says to Crazy Quilt, Ambush Bug, Captain Fear, and King Shark, "That's no Cosmic Treadmill! That's my wife!" Cut to he logos of 647 heroes superimposed on top of each other and the date 5/6/2016.
*Bewildered applause ensues.*
Phew! So we knew WB was trying to squeeze a lot of characters into this movie, but it sounds like they've got a handle on things! For another interpretation of the teaser, check out ComingSoon.net. Stay tuned for The Outhouse for the kind of San Diego Comic Con coverage you can't get anywhere else (because we make a lot of it up)!