Hundreds of thousands of residents of Northwestern Ohio breathed a sigh of... no, that's not right... swallowed a gulp of relief on Monday as the city of Toledo lifted a ban on using the municipal drinking water that had left residents high and dry, or at least dry, all weekend. The ban was a precautionary measure implemented after a deadly toxin called microcystin was discovered in the drinking water supply, which comes mostly from nearby Lake Eerie. But how did a deadly toxin end up in a body of water that supplies eleven million coastal inhabitants? The answer is, as always: DC Comics.
"We deeply regret the trouble we've caused the residents of Ohio," apologized DC Co-Publisher Dan Didio at press conference from a corporate barge floating on the Great Lake. "It was never DC's intention to contaminate the drinking water supply."
According to Didio, the microcystin, a key component in the manufacture of lenticular comic book covers, spilled into the lake because of a mishap with a tanker ship transporting crude lenticular ink to a local refinery so that DC could print the 3D variant covers for their September Future's End super-mega-crossover event. After least year's September gimmick month tie-in to Forever Evil turned into a clusterfuck as limited supply of the materials and printer errors resulted in over a hundred thousand covers being destroyed and comic shops receiving allocations on their original orders, DC refused to take any chances on rehashing what industry analysts dubbed "The 3DNado." Chances of poisoning the people of Northern Ohio, however, were of little concern, because "it is Ohio, after all."
Lenticular ink washes up on the shore of Maumee Bay State Park in Oregon, Ohio on Monday.
"On the bright side, we expect that all comic shops will have plenty of copies of our 3D cover issues in September," gloated a beaming Didio. "So no need to worry. Unless you accidentally ingested some of the tainted water, in which case, you should probably go to the hospital immediately."
Didio offered another perspective on the situation: things could have been worse. "The good news is that we spilled the chemical components into the lake before they were made into lenticular covers," he explained, waving a 3D copy of Future's End: Justice League in the air. "The chemicals become a thousand times more deadly when combined, and if just one of these covers were to end up in the lake, the results would be disastro..."
Didio was interrupted as a gust of wind ripped the comic from his hands and blew it into the lake. Flop sweat immediately began to pour down the panicked executive's brow as he called the press conference to a hasty close.
"Uh, no more questions," Didio yelled as he ran full speed toward a waiting helicopter. "Be sure to pre-order Future's End 3D covers from your local comic shop, you know, if it still exists next week."
At press time, several giant, radioactive lizards were reportedly terrorizing coastal areas near Lake Eerie, though terrified residents universally remarked that the experience of fleeing for their lives in holographic 3D was well worth the $3.99 cover price. Stay tuned to The Outhouse for details on this developing situation.