Fans of the seminal TGIF show Full House were delighted Wednesday night to learn that Warner Bros. is considering a reboot of the show, which dominated ratings during its run from 1987 to 1995. Full House followed the hilarious misadventures of Danny Tanner (secretly filthy comedian Bob Saget), his three daughters D.J. (Candace Cameron, sister of Kirk), Stephanie (future meth addict Jodie Sweetin), and Michelle (celebutantes Mary Kate and Ashley Olson), and his best friend, comedian Joey Gladstone (Canadian icon Dave Coulier), and brother in law, Jesse Katsopolis (never-aging heartthrob John Stamos). Joey and Jesse moved in with Danny to help him raise his kids after their mom died in a car accident - perhaps the most depressing premise for a feel-good sitcom in the history of television. According to a TV Guide report, Stamos is leading the charge to reboot the show and bring back at least some of the original cast; Saget, Coulier, Cameron (now Cameron Bure), Sweetin, and Andrea Barber (Kimmy Gibbler) are on board, as well as original Bob Boyett and creator Jeff Franklin.
But while the prospect of a Full House remake may have fans quoting Uncle Jesse's post-coital catchphrase "have mercy," they may be more likely to reference Joey's "cut. it. out." when they learn who Warner Bros. is eyeing to produce the new show; it's the creative brain trust behind DC Comics: Diane Nelson, Dan Didio, Jim Lee, David Goyer, Zack Snyder, Geoff Johns, and Bob Harras.
Based on the past work of these executives and some of their early ideas, it's understandable that fans and even some of the cast might have some reservations. The Olsen twins briefly were planning on rejoining the reboot, but were driven away by editorial interference when their costumes were replaced by sexier versions of the onesies they used to wear on the show. Lori Loughlin was not asked to return because the producers felt the show "already has enough chicks" and that "the timing isn't right to introduce her." Goyer added that people only cared about the main family anyway, and anyone who's heard of Loughlin's character Rebecca Donaldson Katsopolis is probably a virgin.
Some fans were also dismayed about the planned reboot. "If they reboot the Full House continuity, how will I know which episodes are canon and which aren't?" asked Raymond Aburtov, a 56 year old accountant from Muncie, IN who still watches five episodes of Full House a day. "For instance, did that one episode where one of the daughters does something stupid and gets caught and gets lectured by a clearly strung out on coke Danny still happen? DOES IT?"
But the executive team is less concerned with continuity and more focused on how they can retool the show for modern, hipper, audience that appreciates sophisticated entertainment, by which they mean dark, grim, gritty, and no fun. "We're thinking of killing off even more of the adults," explained Didio of the show's basic premise. "In the show's original run, the children were able to grow up fairly well adjusted despite their mother dying thanks to the added support of Jesse and Joey. But how would things play out of those two were murdered? And Danny too?"
"And the kids developed a fascination with bats, surveillance, and beating up the mentally ill?" added Johns. "I think we're onto something here!"
The executives were also hoping to bring the show to grittier locales. "At least one of the children's day jobs will be as a stripper at a strip club," said Didio.
"Or maybe they're all strippers, and the club's name is Full House," chimed in Harras, widely agreed to be the Kimmy Gibbler of the comic book industry.
"BY JOVE, THE MAN'S STILL GOT IT," shouted Jim Lee, who was sprawled on top of Didio’s keyboard in order to elicit bellyrubs and attention from the keyboard’s owner.
Though the show has yet to move to production, Hollywood gossip sites have already started three separate rumors that Joseph Gordon Levitt will play Aquaman in it, and Alan Moore, who served as lead screenwriter for most of the original run has refused to accept any royalties, decrying the new show as an abomination on his original work. Stay tuned to The Outhouse for more details, and remember, everywhere you look (everywhere) there's a heart (there's a heart) a hand to hold on tooo...