In recent weeks, various websites have reported various theories on Scoot McNairy's "secret role" in Batman v. Superman: We're Not Frowning, We're Doing Kegel Exercises. McNairy could be playing a villain, a supporting cast member, or a member of the Justice League. No one really knows anything besides that McNairy was photographed wearing bright green high socks (as shown below), indicating whoever he's playing will have very forward thinking fashion taste.
We here at the Outhouse have a certain disdain for reporting on rumors when they come from an untrusted source, but we also understand that rumor articles pay the site bills and help finance Outhouse Webmaster Jude Terror's disgusting San Francisco 49ers habit. So, in the name of making boatloads of cash, we can exclusively report that McNairy isn't playing one DC character, he's actually playing three.
That's right, Scoot McNairy will be playing Jimmy Olsen, Metallo AND the Flash in the upcoming sequel. Our sources (namely what I just made up) indicate that the three characters will be identical triplets in the film, allowing McNairy to play all three. "We really wanted to stuff this movie full of as many DC characters as we possibly could," said one WB executive. "But we're cheap, so we decided just to have the same actor play them."
Despite their identical looks, the three characters couldn't be any different. McNairy's Olsen will be a stone-faced reporter who believes that photography is a serious occupation deserving of levity. McNairy's Metallo will be an angry villain who only says and does serious and angry things. And McNairy's Flash will run around a lot and wil occasionally open his mouth to say something witty, but will realize that he's not allowed to, and will silently tear up instead. No word on whether WB's alleged "no joke" mandate had impacted the development of any of these characters, but it seems likely given how serious and angry everyone is.
Our super-rumor conveniently explains why everyone has been making so many guesses as to McNairy's character's identity, while simultaneously giving us the most ground on which to claim that we were right when his role is actually revealed. The only part of these reports our new super-rumor doesn't explain is why so many people give a shit who Scoot McNairy is playing in the first place. But I don't think that's a question anyone will be able to answer, ever.