In case you missed the news over the weekend, a number of celebrity's private pictures were made public over the weekend, violating the privacy of dozens of women for no other reason than to provide a bunch of overgrown man-children a few horny thoughts. As Fap-Gate (this is why we shouldn’t let the internet name things) continues to send shockwaves across the web, we here at The Outhouse have been doing something that resembles actual journalism (or, at least better than CNN) and we believe that we have discovered the true culprit (looks up statutory definition of “satire” one more time, just to make sure): Greg Land.
I told you it would be obvious.
That's right, Greg Land, world class tracer and A-list artist (roll that around for a bit), has admitted to The Outhouse (“admitted might be a strong word – more like “we made this up”) that he may be the culprit who hacked the Icloud thingy or whatever (still, better tech speak than CNN) in search of new “source material.”
"I didn’t want to cause any trouble," explained the visibly embarrassed Land. "It's just that I've already traced every existing porn photo and DVD still available and I needed some new material for this Spider-Woman book."
The pressure Land alluded to may not be all in his head as Marvel has made (and failed at) a concerted effort to attract new female readers; most notably by allowing the women of The View to write and then announce the new – female – Thor on their show (hey, do you have a better reason for why the whole thing made no damn sense?), and then publicizing an erotic artist's variant cover on one of their new female-centric series just weeks later.
While Land doesn't have a background in computer science, he has watched a lot of television shows that feature realistic depictions of hacking, such as 24 and Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. "I popped open like six green terminal windows and just typed a bunch of shit as fast as I could while shouting about firewalls and sockets," Land said. "It took me five minutes and I was in."
When reached for comment regarding Fap Gate (I hate the internet) and their role it an Apple spokesperson had this to say:
Apple takes violations of privacy very seriously, which is why we've violated our customers' privacy by keeping their deleted photos for several years and sharing all of their data with the NSA. We figure, to understand violations of privacy, you must *become* a violation of privacy…
“Like I said," Land continued, "I didn’t mean any harm, but those damn Hunger Game books didn’t have any images I could trace and what was I supposed to do – trace images of Jennifer Lawrence with clothes on? What am I, some sort of weird-o? How am I supposed to draw Kitty Pride battling Magneto if I don’t have up to the minute stolen nudes of Kate Upton to ‘reference’?”
Land's use of "references" is legendary in the comics business. One of Land's former creative team partners, Kieron Gillen, told The Outhouse that he had to explicitly state that Pepper Potts not be "spread eagle in a chair" with "her mouth agape orgasmically" on every page of his Iron Man scripts lest Land interpret it that way and trace a popular porn star into the panels in exactly that position, making everyone feel icky. "My mom reads these things, you know?" Gillen pointed out. Well, at least someone was reading them.
After being asked why he just can’t draw a normal looking woman who doesn’t look like she just stepped out of a Deep Throat remake Land stated that it was a bit “odd” that the pictures he stole didn’t seem to have the usual facial expressions and peripheries" he was used to from his regular collection of images. It was at this point that the editor of The Outhouse suggested that maybe we should remind everyone we made this up, and kill the article before the writer said something that would really piss people off.
Not to be outdone, after being asked why they made this story up, both Jude and RU stated that it was to “justify their search histories to their wives,” whatever that means.