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Marvel Announces They've Gone Charles Soule Exclusive

Written by ThanosCopter on Wednesday, September 03 2014 and posted in News with Benefits

Marvel Announces They've Gone Charles Soule Exclusive

The comics publisher announced that they've signed an exclusive contract with the versatile writer, potentially putting dozens out of work.

Source: News cited in first paragraph, Soule robot apocalypse completely made up

In an interview with USA Today about tomorrow's release of Death of Wolverine #1, writer Charles Soule casually mentioned that he'd gone Marvel exclusive, thus making Marvel the sole beneficiary of his ability to produce dozens of quality comic scripts in any given month.  While the USA Today interview glossed over the exclusive contract, CBR, that bastion of maraca producing comics journalism, confirmed the news shortly after the news came to life.  

"Remember when Stan Lee used to write all of Marvel's comics back during the Silver Age?" said Axel Alonso when asked about the exclusive contract.  "We're doing that again, only with Charles Soule."  As Alonso said that, Marvel's New York City office's rooftop opened, and thousands of rocket powered Charles Soule robots began to fly out, blotting out the sun.  "With Soule signed up exclusively with Marvel, we've realized that we no longer need any other comic writers ever," explained Alonso.  "So we're sending out some of our spare Soule-bots to eliminate all past, present and future comic writers.  Welcome to the Soule Age of Comics!"    

In the hours that followed, thousands of Charles Soule bots sought out all potential writing competition and eliminated them using either extreme force or via airtight cease and desist orders, while simultaneously writing top-quality comic scripts.  While many writers either complied or were eliminated by the waves of Charles Soule robots that confronted them, not every ex-Marvel writer gave up so easily.  Several prominent comics writers have formed a resistance movement based out of Portland, OR, staving off Charles Soule attacks while planning their last move. 

"It's not been easy," said resistance leader Brian Bendis.  "There's so many Soule bots. And they're so damn versatile too.  I caught one Soule bot playing guitar, cooking a quiche and teaching illiterate children how to read, all the while throttling Jason Latour to death." 

"We're running out of options," added Jason Aaron, another resistance member.  "It's bad enough Soule took my beloved Wolverine and my job, but now he's even positioned himself as my parents' favorite son.  Then I found out this morning that my dog wrote me out of his will based on Soule's advice."

Aaron began to sob. "I didn't even know dogs could have wills, but not only did Soule find legal precedent for it, he also wrote a hit indie comics miniseries about the ethical dilemmas of dog wills."

While the resistance is holding out for now, its leaders admit that time is running out.  "We just found out that Soule has given Gambit a handlebar mustache, which has increased his popularity by 1000%.," Bendis said. "There's no way we can last much longer against this sort of force. If only there was some sort of movie or comic about a group of humans fighting an all-powerful robotic force and winning."

"Didn't you write Age of Ultron, which covers that exact topic?" asked Aaron. 

Before Bendis could answer, a Soule bot burst through the ceiling of the reinforced bunker they were hiding in.  "THIS NOTARIZED SUBPEONA REQUIRES YOU TO STAY 50 FEET AWAY FROM ALL SCRIPTS OR CREATIVE IDEAS," the Soule bot said, serving both writers with legal documents.  "EITHER COMPLY OR FACE IMMEDIATE ELIMINATION." 

Soule's Death of Wolverine #1 will be released tomorrow.  His inevitable takeover of Marvel's other tiltes will begin shortly thereafter.  For those reading his DC work, those books will continue to come out until March. 





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About the Author - ThanosCopter

ThanosCopter is a specially designed helicopter built to transport Thanos the Mad Titan. Built by Sterling Custom Helicopters, ThanosCopter appeared in several Marvel comics, before being abandoned by its owner during the character's ascension into major villainy. ThanosCopter was discovered by the Outhouse and given a second chance at life. He now buzzes merrily around the comic book industry, spreading snark, satire and humor like candy to small children.


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