Longtime Marvel Comics fans were shocked yesterday when Marvel's latest super-mega-crossover event, Axis, actually managed to live up to its promise of changing the Marvel Universe forever. And by changing the Marvel Universe forever, we mean nonsensically altering fifty years of history in an attempt to bring it more in line with Marvel's cinematic universe to attract the elusive and possibly nonesxistent "new comic reader." That's right, for no other reason than to justify putting mutant characters Quicksilver and The Scarlet Witch into the Avengers movies despite their status as mutants, all of which belong to Fox as part of the X-Men movie rights, the latest issue of Axis revealed that Magneto isn't the duo's real father.
And while that dumb ass change was motivated by greed instead of compelling storytelling, it's actually better than what we almost got. That's right, The Outhouse has uncovered Marvel's original plans to shake up the Marvel Universe in Axis #7, and it was far darker than what we saw on the page yesterday.
Are you sure you're ready to hear this? Okay. The original plans were to reveal that Bova was the real mother of Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch!!!
Instead of making Magneto a cuckold, this change would have made the master of magnetism into a sexual deviant who enjoys bestiality. That's right, if not for some last minute decisions, the plot to Axis #7 might have shown Magneto getting it on with Wanda and Pietro's nursemaid, Bova, a humanoid cow genitcally engineered by the High Evolutionary. Unfortunately, despite the Marvel editorial staff's desire to get an article in USA Today for being the first comic book company to publish a book featuring man on cow sex, cooler heads prevailed and we got the equally idiotic but less revolting twist that ended up in the comic instead.
Now, some industry insiders are speculating that Marvel purposely leaked this information just to make the actual retcon seem less ridiculous and insulting to the intelligence of readers by comparison, but The Outhouse is confident in standing behind this rumor. In fact, we'll stake our reputation on it. And if that's not good enough for you, which it probably isn't, we'll stake Rich Johnston's reputation on it. Okay, that won't work either. How about The Beat? Yeah. We'll stake Heidi MacDonald's reputation on this one.
We've even obtained a discarded page that was cut from the final comic, showing one of the sexual encounters between Magneto and Bova.
Well, she can't get pregnant that way.
So what do you think, readers? Now that you know what might have been, do you feel better about the retcon you actually got? No? Yeah, neither do we.