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Could Charlie Hebdo's "Baby Muhammad" Variant Cover Heal Wounds in Wake of Attacks?

Written by Jude Terror on Thursday, January 15 2015 and posted in News with Benefits

Could Charlie Hebdo's

The cover is so cute, it almost makes religious extremists want to stop killing people.

Source: ThanosCopter Newswire

In a surprising turn of events, a variant cover for the latest issue of Charlie Hebdo, the French satirical magazine that was attacked by terrorists last week, is doing more to bridge the divide between Western Civilization and radical Muslim religuous extremists than decades of political strategy and counterterrorism tactics. While the regular cover for the issue, depicting a crying Muhammad holding a "Je suis Charlie" ("I am Charlie") sign has angered some extremists, the "baby variant" produced in the style of the ones Marvel annoyingly puts out for every single comic they make is reportedly so adorable that even blood-crazed jihadists can't help but find it cute.

"When I saw this cover, at first, I wanted to shower the artist in bullets," said one radical jihadist when asked for comment. "But look at the baby prohet! Isn't he just precious?! Now I want to shower him with hugs and kisses. Goochie goochie goo!"

"I am not sure whether to declare jihad on infidels or buy several copies of the cover to sell on eBay," said another.

Charlie Hebdo has been the subject of criticism for its printing of offensive cartoons that often utilize crude racial stereotypes, though that kind of satire may have a different context in French culture than it does in America. Freedom of speech is complicated in France, where publishing offensive cartoons about Muslims is considered a prized tradition but choosing to wear a burqa is illegal. It's a truly unique combination of free expression and xenophobia, over there in the land of Voltaire. Regardless, pretty much everyone (and yes, Fox News watchers, that includes the vast majority of Muslims) except insane jihadists agrees that nobody should be killed over a drawing.

Despite the complicated nature of the situation and a wide ideological gap, the tiny percentage of radical Muslims who pervert their religion by committing acts of violence in its name reportedly found their hearts melting upon viewing the baby variant, which shows Muhammad standing in the snow after escaping the Weapon X facility, sporting adamantium claws and a healing factor, just as he is traditionally depicted in the Quran. The combination of historical accuracy and cherubic features has seemingly melted the hearts of these religious fanatics.

"Does it really matter whose ancient text is right and whose is wrong?" one terrorist wondered, reflecting on all the violence that has been inflicted in the world in the name of some of its most popular and enduring organized religions. "Maybe it's time to let these decades and even centuries old greivances go and move on as a united species."

Unfortunately, all of the goodwill generated by the baby variant may have been squandered when Charlie Hebdo revealed another variant cover, drawn by a popular Italian artist:

"I don't feel that it's appropriate to objectify the prophet in that way," complained a radical jihadist after seeing the cover. "Muhammad may be a messenger sent by Allah himself, but I am pretty sure his body cannot bend like that."

"I would never allow my daughter to read that," he added. "That is, if I allowed her to read at all."

At press time, Charlie Hebdo was considering releasing fifty-two variant covers of Muhammad printed on 3D lenticular paper, which is expressly forbidden by the Quran. "Thou shalt not depict the prophet on holographic variant covers," the holy book clearly reads in several chapters. We'll keep you updated on this story.


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About the Author - Jude Terror

Jude Terror is the Webmaster Supreme of The Outhouse and a sarcastic ace reporter dedicated to delivering irreverent comics and entertainment news to The Outhouse's dozens of loyal readers. Driven by a quest for vengeance, Jude Terror taught himself to program and joined The Outhouse. He instantly began working toward his goal of forcing the internet comics community to take itself less seriously and failing miserably. A certified trash eater ruining the pristine field of comics journalism with his sarcasm and goofiness, Jude Terror is secretly friendly and congenial, so if you've got a complaint, why not just bring it up to him instead of subtweeting like a jackass, jackass? You can find him on Twitter or try your luck with an email, but keep in mind that he is notoriously unreliable and may not get back to you right away. Unless you want to send him free stuff, in which case he'll get back to you immediately.

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