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EXXXCLUSIVE: The Real "Secret" Behind Marvel's "Secret Wars" Reboot Revealed!

Written by Jude Terror on Tuesday, March 24 2015 and posted in News with Benefits


What could cause Marvel to reboot it's universe just a few years after DC rebooted theirs? The answer may not shock you!

Source: hot tip from Outhouse reader Will Ripamonti

DC may finally be dropping the New 52 moniker this year, but their competition at Marvel is picking up the reboot ball and running with it in Secret Wars, the super-mega-crossover event that is as rebooty as a reboot can get while still pretending it's not a reboot. After Marvel executives swore for years that Marvel would never do such a thing, some fans are wondering what could cause the House of Ideas to take such a drastic measure as quasi-rebooting their universe with a line-wide crossover event, just like DC did with Flashpoint. Well, those fans need wonder no longer, as sources inside the Disney subsidiary have revealed exxxclusively to The Outhouse the reason behind Marvel's change of heart: Axel Alonso is actually a younger clone of Dan Didio!


We're surprised it's taken so long to figure this out. Same shiny heads. Same stubbly beards. Same shit-eating grins after having just pulled the rug out from under longtime fans of their respective companies' comic universes.


That's right, our sources have revealed that the Marvel Editor in Chief was created in a laboratory using altered DNA from Didio in order to create the perfect executive, one that could be "super excited" about every project the company is involved in, exhibiting absolutely no shame, regardless of the level of Dilbertesque corporate buffoonery. "He came out really great, didn't he?" said Marvel Chief Creative Officer Joe Quesada when we confronted him about the revelation. "Who better to copy all of Marvel's past successful events for a brand new super-mega-crossover event than someone who is himself a copy?"


Alonso is born inside a Marvel laboratory.


According to Quesada, cloning the DC Comics executive was easier than expected. "It turns out his DNA isn't all that complicated," Quesada explained. "Most of the complexity in the human genome has to do with the brains, so, you know..."

Quesada didn't do the actual cloning himself, of course. That was handled by a young, unpaid intern who the company was surprised to learn had earned a degree in advanced genetic engineering in his home country before moving to the United States. "They tell me, make younger, sexier version of the Dan Didio using stolen DNA," said Vlad Kozinkerov when asked to describe the process of cloning Didio. "So that is what I do."

Indeed, Kozinkerov's work seems to have been a rousing success, and he was able to create Alonso with few missteps. "At one point, Didio's DNA became contaminated with saliva from Bob Harras after he mistook test tube containing sample for ice pop and licked it," Kozinkerov revealed. "Was abomination. Kept drooling everywhere and demanding that Marvel hire Scott Lobdell to write seventeen books. We scrapped that one and started over."


One failed attempt at cloning Didio was the fault of pudding-brained DC Editor in Chief Bob Harras.


Secret Wars hits stands in May, and the Marvel Universe will never be the same again! Or maybe it will be, since future generations can simply continue to create new Didios and Alonsos using samples of the genetic materials in Marvel's vault. Whatever the case, we're sure Alonso is extremely excited about the prospect!


The future of Didionsos is horrifying.

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