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Outhousers Top Ten(ish) List Of Events Not (yet) Included In Secret Wars

Written by GHERU on Wednesday, March 25 2015 and posted in News with Benefits

Outhousers Top Ten(ish) List Of Events Not (yet) Included In Secret Wars

Please do not confuse the word “top” with “best” or “good.”


Source: boredom

After all the reveals, announcements, exclusives, and overall media blitz of Marvel’s build up to Secret Wars and all of its various tie-ins (at last count there were at least 565 new titles coming out) you might be asking yourself “Self, what’s left for Marvel to toss into Secret Wars?”

Well, fret no more, we here at The Outhousers have your Top 10(ish) list of crossovers / events / story-lines excluded from Secret Wars thus far:


  1. Siege
    : Was actually a pretty good event. It was short and entertaining with one of the best last pages (#1) to an event book in quite a while. Siege ended Marvel’s Dark Reign storyline, which was fantastic, by having Norman Osborn (who because of reasons was United States' primary defense officer, leading H.A.M.M.E.R. and employing his own evil Avengers) invade Asgard…wow, writing this out makes the whole thing seem really stupid.
     

  2. Operation: Galactic Storm
    : Saw The Avengers butting into an intergalactic war between the Shi’ar (the ones that look like birds) and Kree (the sometimes blue ones) empires. It ends with the apparent murder of the Kree Supreme Intelligence by a group of Avengers dissidents led by Iron Man. Unlike stories of today, Galactic Storm was hailed as a “tight” crossover over its 19…19 PARTS! FFS! To be fair, 19 issues back then probably cost the same as one event book now.
     

  3. Annihilation
    : The first cosmic event that was actually worth reading. It made Nova relevant... actually; it made space comics relevant, for the first time ever. But, really, it's about space empires fighting bugs.
     

  4. Maximum Security
    : An attempt to make the most boring crossover in Marvel History. It's one of the many reasons that Bob Harras is no longer Marvel's Editor in Chief. It tried really hard to make US Agent relevant. And Ego the Living Pla...zzzzzzzzzz wha!? What were we talking about?
     

  5. Age of Ultron
    : Marvel ‘s attempt to see how many times they could just release the same comic over and over and again before someone noticed.
     

  6. Maximum Carnage
    : Marvel’s first foray into publishing crossover issues out of order had Carnage acting like the dick-hole he is and it took 14 issues for the combined might of Spider-Man, Venom, Captain America, Black Cat, Nightwatch, Cloak and Dagger, Iron Fist, Deathlok, Morbius and Firestar to defeat Carnage and his rag tag band of cohorts.
     

  7. Avengers Disassembled
    :
    (Here’s a hint; you want page hits from the comic book community? Imply that a Bendis book, especially his Avengers work, is good.)
    Some might question the Event-ness of this one, considering the tie-ins didn't actually... TIE IN (Cap ended up having sex with the Scarlet Witch, though, so: bonus). Even so, there were some good stories that modern Marvel could mine for a couple issues. Imagine a section of Battleworld where nothing would have to make sense. Where things would happen because of the fragmented imaginings of a mad person…that mad person being a paid staff member of Marvel, not the Scarlet Witch.
     

  8. Phalanx Covenant
    : The X-Men being replaced by biological robot things doing their best Borg impression, leaving Banshee and the White Queen with the wacky idea of gathering up a bunch of untrained teenage mutants so that the Phalanx won't assimilate them but REALLY so they can star in Generation X.
     

  9. Secret Wars II
    : Wait, the sequel to the event we are talking about already happened? I fucking hate time travel. According to my source, “The Beyonder dressed up like John Travolta from Saturday Night Lights or whatever that movie's called.” So, there’s that I guess.
     

  10. Earth X
    : The entire world's population is mutants except they're actually Inhumans. Familiar... just go read Kingdom Come.
     

  11. The Crossing
    : Kang and Mantis trying to conquer the universe or something. Except later on it turned out Kang was actually Immortus in disguise. Iron Man betrays everyone and then gets his head blown off, heroically. This led to Teen Tony.  Note the "still $1.50" blurb on the cover? Those were the days.
     

  12. Rise of the Midnight Sons
    : In all honesty absolutely no one in the Outhousers writing room remembers reading this crossover. We all remember the annoying ads Marvel jammed into the comics we did read, but no one read or even knows anyone who read Rise of the Midnight Sons. Kind of like how Blue Bloods is still on TV yet no one admits to watching it…other than my in-laws.
     

  13. Double Edge
    : It turns out this was an actual crossover event involving Daredevil, Ghost Rider, and the Punisher. It ends with the brainwashed Punisher killing Nick Fury. Except Fury eventually turns out to be an LMD, making this ENTIRE storyline even more pointless than it was originally. It's like all those times Doom loses and it turns out it's a Doombot. LMDs are awful.

So, there you go, a list full of crap for Marvel to mine for $5 comics that take 5 minutes to read.





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About the Author - GHERU


RU, or as he’s known in the writers’ room: the cute one, is relatively unappreciated in his time.  RU’s YouTube show, RUviews is watched by literally multiple people every month and his Outhouse articles have helped line many a bird cage.  Before you send RU a message, he knows that there are misspelled words in this article, and probably in this bio he was asked to write.  RU wants everyone to know that after 25+ years of collecting he still loves comic books and can’t believe how seriously fanboys take them.  RU lives in Akron Ohio (unfortunately) with WIFE, ‘lilRuRu, and the @DogGodThor.  You can also find him on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, & even Google+ (if anyone still uses that).

 


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