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Scientists Discover Black Hole on Earth While Studying Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Ratings

Written by Jude Terror on Thursday, April 09 2015 and posted in News with Benefits

Scientists Discover Black Hole on Earth While Studying Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Ratings

The show's underwhelming performance is all that stands between the human race and total destruction!

Source: NoctourneM Newswire

Scientists at the prestigious University of Phoenix announced an important breakthrough in the field of quantum physics this morning when they detected the presence of a black hole right here on Earth. The collapsing star has apparently existed since September of 2013, but remarkably, it has not resulted in the apocalypse.

"Normally, a black hole on Earth would mean the end of humanity as the entire planet was sucked into its inescapable mass," said lead researcher Professor Thaddeus T. Puffinbottoms. "However, we're lucky enough that an equally powerful force exists that can counter the gravitational effects of the black hole."

Puffinbottoms explained through a series of complex mathematical equations too boring to reprint here that he was referring to the consistently shitty ratings of ABC drama Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., saying that the show's ability to continually shed viewers week after week is enough to sate the hunger of the dark star. "Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. is the only thing standing between the Earth and total annihilation," he told us.

Since its successful series premiere, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. has dropped in the ratings week after week, resulting in multiple cancellations and a bewildered fandom that can't understand how the show could perform so abysmally despite the success of Marvel in the cinematic realm. This week, the show scored a 1.5 rating in the 18-49 demographic with 4.24 million viewers, which seems absurd when Avengers: Age of Ultron is set to hit theaters and make a billion dollars next month. Now, there's finally an answer as to what purpose the show serves when it's clearly an embarrassment to Marvel, ABC, and parent company Disney.

"As long as people continue to not watch Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., the world is safe," Professor Puffinbottoms promised.

Phew! Looks like we'll be here for a long time.


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About the Author - Jude Terror

Jude Terror is the Webmaster Supreme of The Outhouse and a sarcastic ace reporter dedicated to delivering irreverent comics and entertainment news to The Outhouse's dozens of loyal readers. Driven by a quest for vengeance, Jude Terror taught himself to program and joined The Outhouse. He instantly began working toward his goal of forcing the internet comics community to take itself less seriously and failing miserably. A certified trash eater ruining the pristine field of comics journalism with his sarcasm and goofiness, Jude Terror is secretly friendly and congenial, so if you've got a complaint, why not just bring it up to him instead of subtweeting like a jackass, jackass? You can find him on Twitter or try your luck with an email, but keep in mind that he is notoriously unreliable and may not get back to you right away. Unless you want to send him free stuff, in which case he'll get back to you immediately.

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