Revealing plans to meddle with the laws of reality themselves, Lucasfilm announced that the Young Han Solo film planned as a follow-up to the Sequel Trilogy will feature a Han Solo who is "probably in the high teens, low 20s." According to Lucasfilm President Kathleen Kennedy, the studio will enter territory mankind was never meant to understand by using obscene technological rituals and black magic to de-age Harrison Ford, who will be 75 by the time the movie is filmed.
"I think the key here is that we are identifying an event or events in Han Solo's life that gives you some idea of who he is and why he is the character we have all known to love," Kennedy told The Outhouse via dark astral projection. "And then subvert several natural laws to return his body to a point in time where he would be more suitable for the role."
"Mwahahahaha," laughed Lawrence Kasdan, who will write the script for the unholy film. Kasdan then twisted his head around a full 360 degrees before revealing how he got the job. "They said, 'Here are the things that we'd like to make movies about,' and I said, 'Oh, well, Han Solo. I would write a movie about Han Solo. He's always been my favorite.' And that's the job that I took."
At press time, polling suggested that most theatergoers viewed Lucasfilm's blasphemous attempt to reverse Harrison Ford's aging process and defy nature itself as still less offensive than the prequels. We'll keep you updated.