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EXXXCLUSIVE: Wesley Snipes Knows of Perfect Actress to Play Female Blade in Reboot

Written by Jude Terror on Wednesday, August 26 2015 and posted in News with Benefits

EXXXCLUSIVE: Wesley Snipes Knows of Perfect Actress to Play Female Blade in Reboot

And he's got the exclusive reveal for us, right here on Bleeding Cool!

Source: Bleeding Cool

Following a report from Bleeding Cool that Marvel plans to make an upcoming Blade reboot match the new comic book series that will focus on a female vampire hunter, actor Wesley Snipes was said to be very upset. At least, he was at first. This afternoon, Snipes contacted The Outhouse and asked for an interview, as he claims to have found the perfect actress to play a gender-swapped Blade in the movie. We agreed, mostly because nobody ever contacts us for an exclusive interview.

The Outhouse: Wesley Snipes! Man! I loved you in Demolition Man, and White Men Can't Jump, and New Jack City... so many movies! Wow! It's such a pleasure to meet you!

Wesley Snipes: Thanks. I'm a big fan too. I read Bleeding Cool all the time.

OH: Uh, yeah, thanks. Listen, let's cut to the chase. Marvel is making a new Blade.

WS: Yes.

OH: And it's going to have a female lead. Is that true?

WS: Yes. It's true.

OH: Wow! That's a scoop! An exclusive!

WS: It is.

OH: Wesley Snipes. Exclusive reveal right here on The Out... Right here on Bleeding Cool. Thanks, man!

WS: No problem.

OH: How do you feel about that?

WS: Well, you know, at first I was upset. I wanted to reprise my role, you know?

OH: Of course.

WS: But, you know, women are just as capable of carrying an action flick.

OH: Right.

WS: I mean, I support that. Of course I do.

OH: We're glad to hear it.

WS: So, you know, I think it's a great idea. A female Blade. Carrying on my legacy. That's cool, man.

OH: It's great that you're okay with it.

WS: Yeah. Of course. And I happen to know of the perfect actress to play her.

OH: That's really cool.

WS: I've been talking with Marvel, and they seem very open to the idea.

OH: Really?

WS: I might have another exclusive for you. *laughs*

OH: Fantastic!

WS: I'll tell you what, she's here right now. Let me go get her.

OH: Seriously?

WS: Seriously. I'll be right back.


*Snipes leaves the room. A moment later, he comes back in wearing a wig and makeup.*


WS: Hi! Bleeding Cool, right? I'm a big fan.

OH: Uh...

WS: Sorry, I should have introduced myself. I'm Noxeema Jackson.

OH: Of for fuck's sake.

WS: I'm really excited about this role. I'm gonna be Blade! Ahhhh! This is great.

OH: Wesley Snipes, I know it's you.

WS: What? No, I'm Noxeema. Wesley is in the other room.

OH: Dammit, Wesley Snipes. Noxeema Jackson was your character in To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar. Another great movie, by the way. But you're not Noxeema Jackson. You're Wesley Snipes.

WS: No I'm not.

OH: Noxeema Jackson is a fictional character.

WS: I have no idea what you're talking about.

OH: I can't believe we're doing this.

WS: Doing what?

OH: Come on. You're Wesley Snipes. You're wearing the exact same clothes you were wearing when you left the room.

WS: I am not.

OH: I've seen the movie! Look, I think it would be great for a gender-nonconforming actor or actress to get the role, but you're very clearly Wesley Snipes dressed as your character from the movie To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar. You know that, right?

WS: I do love Wesley, he's such a great actor and responsible individual who in no way whatsoever needs to be the subject of another IRS audit.

OH: This is getting ridiculous. Even for us.

WS: I have some friends in the other room who can vouch for me.

OH: Wait! No...!


*two more actresses enter the room*


WS: This is Vida Boheme and Chi-Chi Rodrihuez.

OH: Oh, come on!

Vida Boheme *waving*: Hello!

Chi-Chi Rodriguez: Hi, nice to meet you!

OH: This is getting offensive.

VB: How so?

OH: Well, for one thing, you're both also characters from Too Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar, and for another thing, your character in particular is played by Patrick Swayze, and he's been dead for years!

CR: We have no idea what you're talking about.

OH: You be quiet, John Leguizamo! Just, don't even!

WS: I think there's probably some roles for Blade's friends in the movie. What do you think, girls?

CR: Oh my god!

OH: Okay, that's enough. I'm not doing this.

WS: Come on! I really need the money! I have a lot of back taxes!

OH *gathering things to leave*: I'm sorry. I loved you in Money Train. But still, no.

WS: Wait!

OH: Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice-skate uphill.


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About the Author - Jude Terror

Jude Terror is the Webmaster Supreme of The Outhouse and a sarcastic ace reporter dedicated to delivering irreverent comics and entertainment news to The Outhouse's dozens of loyal readers. Driven by a quest for vengeance, Jude Terror taught himself to program and joined The Outhouse. He instantly began working toward his goal of forcing the internet comics community to take itself less seriously and failing miserably. A certified trash eater ruining the pristine field of comics journalism with his sarcasm and goofiness, Jude Terror is secretly friendly and congenial, so if you've got a complaint, why not just bring it up to him instead of subtweeting like a jackass, jackass? You can find him on Twitter or try your luck with an email, but keep in mind that he is notoriously unreliable and may not get back to you right away. Unless you want to send him free stuff, in which case he'll get back to you immediately.

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