Wednesday, January 22, 2020 • R.I.P. Edition • Thoughtful analysis of important cultural issues.

DC’s Staff in Revolt after Austerity Measures Force Them to Change Coffee Brands

Written by GHERU on Thursday, August 27 2015 and posted in News with Benefits

DC’s Staff in Revolt after Austerity Measures Force Them to Change Coffee Brands

No one should be forced to drink Maxwell House, not even DC.

Source: Bleeding Cool

The Outhousers reported earlier this week on the possible (probable) $2 million shortfall in DC's projected revenue for 2015 as described by Bleeding Cool.  Today we are receiving word from all over that DC has already instituted austerity measures meant to help get the struggling comic book publisher back on track. We are not sure of the accuracy nor the completeness of all the conditions forced onto the staff of DC, but here is a tentative list:

  1. Geoff Johns has had his limb dismemberment budget drastically cut.
  2. Jim Lee is forced to cancel future feline body modifications.
  3. DC is forced to spend less by hiring actual comic book writers instead of semi-professional movie script writers.
  4. Dan Didio is only allowed enough wax for his mustache or his goatee, but not both.
  5. No DC employee is allowed to order steak and potatoes on the company dime.

Other measures not listed above due to being only in the "discussion phase" include sensible things like selling trades on a more timely schedule, lowering writers and artist "page rates" - which DC is described as "famed for paying higher page rates than other publishers" - and finally (and therefore least probable) lowering the cost of comic books so people can actually afford them.

If most of the above ideas strike you as reasonable and even somewhat necessary, have no fear! DC's executives are already ignoring most of the suggestions, focusing instead on a supplemental suggestion that maybe they buy cheaper coffee for the office.

"How the hell am I supposed to pretend to edit an entire line of books while keeping track of our loose continuity with the g-d awful swill that is Maxwell House?" asked a flabbergasted Mark Doyle. "I mean, we all know that Didio and Lee aren't going to require that we make better comics, or even comics that make sense from month to month, but to force us to drink fucking Maxwell House?! That's a cup too far."

We asked how these austerity measures might affect his Presidential Campaign and his promise of "a Robin in every pot, and a Batmobile in every garage?":

Fuck me, I hadn't even thought of that! Shit, this sludge is making me stupid.

In an effort to contact as many editors as possible, The Outhouse was going to reach out to Eddie Berganza but most of the staff laughed themselves into unconsciousness with bad puns based on his last name.

(Including a joke about how Ethan Van Sciver blamed the innocent DC editor / Tony Danza stand-in for Benghazi.)

Instead we contacted Superboy editor Chris Conroy for his thoughts on the austerity forced upon DC:

I don't know what you want from me. I'm as upset about the coffee situation as anyone. Sure, I don't drink coffee, but even the smell of Maxwell House is enough to send me into an anaphylactic shock. But, what really bothers me is that we editors seem to be the only ones affected by these rules. Lee just came back with new whiskers, Didio's mustaches and goatee are waxed more than Lola, and our books still cost too damn much!

Sorry, I don't usually yell, but I have this horrendous headache my doctor says might be caused by the smell of rotten flesh, or Maxwell House.

When reached for a comment, a Maxwell House spokesperson told us that their coffee "does not smell like the underside of a crack whore found dead in a gutter nor does it taste nearly as bad as three day old shrimp on an Atlantic City buffet table."

The Outhousers did try and get comments from higher up executives in an effort to differentiate the real cut-backs from stuff we totally made up, but our cat to human translator is off this week and Dan Didio took the private jet to Yemen for a Pokémon convention.

More as more news is made available.

The Outhouse is not responsible for any butthurt incurred by reading this website. All original content copyright the author of said content. Banner by Ali Jaffery - he's available for commission!