Reports of the Marvel Creative Committee's demise may have been premature. Though it was widely reported this week that the committee consisting of executives Alan Fine, Joe Quesada, and Dan Buckley, along with superstar writer "The Great One" Brian Bendis, reporting to Marvel CEO Ike Perlmutter, had disbanded after efforts by Marvel Studios head Kevin Feige to gain autonomous control over Marvel movies. Though it is confirmed that Feige will now report directly of Disney, stripping Perlmutter of control, a new story from the Hollywood Reporter claims that the committee is alive and well, and still in command of important aspects of Marvel's operations.
"Nobody in the comics, animation, or television division can order lunch without running it past the committee first," explained a proud Bendis, looking over a menu for Luigi's Pizza at his desk in Marvel's New York offices. "All decisions must be run by the committee, at which point we add notes and sometimes set up a meeting or phone call to discuss the project."
Creative Committee member Brian Bendis looking pleased with his grasp on power.
Though the talented team of executives reportedly has a lot of insight to offer on whether today seems like a good day to order Chinese, or whether the office might go for some Indian food right now, some employees are grumbling that the oversight just results in bureaucratic holdups and inefficiencies and that the committee is difficult to work with.
"If we don't get an order in to Stir Fry Express by 11AM, we're not getting our food until mid-afternoon," moaned hungry Marvel Editor Sana Amanat. "They get really busy, and traffic can be a bitch during the lunch hour too. Plus, the delivery guy has been kind of unreliable lately. I think he got a new girlfriend or something."
Amanat revealed that Marvel staffers become lethargic and unproductive if they don't eat by noon sharp, and that some, like Vice President Tom Brevoort, become quite irritable, describing one situation last year when Brevoort tried to take a bite out of superstar writer Matt Fraction after an order mix-up caused a local shawarma restaurant to short the company's delivery. "That's the real reason Hawkeye's schedule was so messed up," Amanat revealed.
Still, some at Marvel say that the committee's insight is invaluable. "One time in 2011, we almost ordered sandwiches for the whole office from a place that puts avocado on everything," warned superstar artist Mark Bagley. "I know it's trendy, but a lot of people don't like avocado. It would have been a disaster, but Joe [Quesada] was familiar with the restaurant and sent back a seventeen page note instructing everyone to specify the condiments they wanted on their sandwiches."
With the rift widening between Perlmutter's committee and Marvel Studios, the company is already starting to experience negative effects. Without consulting Perlmutter, a Kevin Feige intern reportedly ordered BBQ ribs for the entire Marvel Studios Burbank office, only to find that the restaurant did not include any wetnaps, forcing staffers to walk around for the rest of the day with mildly sticky fingers.
"They tell me, order messy and fattening American meat product for flabby men in suits," explained unpaid lunch intern Vlad Kozinkerov, refusing to take responsibility for the screw-up. "So that is what I do. In Russia, if man gets sauce on hands from meal, he is happy because he can lick fingers throughout winter to provide vital nutrients other than Vodka."
Kozinkerov further explained that in his country, wiping one's hands is considered a risky endeavor. "We do not have silly capitalist wetnaps in Russia, so if man wants to wipe hands, he must go outside and find bear that has rolled in snow and wipe hands on fur. My uncle lost his arm after wiping dressing on Kamchatka brown bear back in '75."
Kozinkerov's mistake did not go unnoticed back at Marvel's New York headquarters.
"Always ask for wetnaps!" shouted an irate Perlmutter, pounding on his desk, when he learned of the mistake. The notoriously frugal Perlmutter then pulled a container of baby wipes out from his desk and tossed them at his assistant, Rich Johnston. "Overnight these to Feige, and tell him to kiss my ass!"
"Yes, guv'nah" Johnston chirped, happily following orders as usual.
Unfortunately, before the assistant could mail the package, the creative committee demanded a meeting to discuss the message, delaying the shipment until next week at the earliest. We'll keep you posted.