Saturday, November 28, 2020 • R.I.P. Edition • Memorial to dead childhoods.

REPORT: Secret Wars So Late, Will Now Be Released in Dimension Where Time and Space are Meaningless

Written by Jude Terror on Tuesday, September 29 2015 and posted in News with Benefits

REPORT: Secret Wars So Late, Will Now Be Released in Dimension Where Time and Space are Meaningless

The comic will come out today, last week, and ten thousand years from now, simultaneously.

Source: Bleeding Cool

Throwing in the towel after months of announcements pushing back the ending of Secret Wars further and further, Marvel Comics revealed at a hastily convened press conference today that the remaining issues of the super-mega-crossover event will be released in a dimension where time and space are meaningless. Marvel Editor in Chief Axel Alonso told reporters that he was tired of the company losing face as it failed to meet its own promised deadlines, saying that he would solve the problem once and for all by removing the restraints of thousands of years of human efforts to understand the fundamental nature of the universe completely from the equation. The decision is being hailed as the next logical step in Marvel's "All-New All-Different Marvel NOW!" publishing initiative.

The Secret Wars delays have previously been blamed on a Jon Stewart heel turn and a dog eating Esad Ribic's artwork, but the brave Editor in Chief promised no more excuses as he held the half-completed pages for Secret Wars #7 near the opening of a portal to Zlyrrghs'spthg, a recently discovered dimension believed to be the home of the Snake God Glycon.

"We're committed to delivering this story to readers who've invested so much time in the 182 overpriced ancillary tie-in issues," Alonso explained to a crowd of assembled reporters as dark, smokey electrical storms swirled just on the other side of the portal, sending gusts of chilling wind throughout the crowd. "All they have to do is hurl themselves through a portal into a realm where the very laws of physics are rendered moot, and reality is a twisted nightmare."

"Make mine Marvel!" shouted one enthusiastic reporter from Newsarama as a horrifying tentacle emerged from the portal and attempted to snatch the pages from Alonso's hand. Alonso pulled back at the last second as a pair of interns quickly stepped forward and recited incantations in an incomprehensible language, forcing the tentacle to recede into the dark recesses of the impossible existence from whence it came.

"I'm super excited about the possibilities opened up by sending our comics into the unfathomable depths of the dimension Zlyrrghs'spthg," Alonso proudly proclaimed. "As usual Marvel is leading the charge, taking comics where they've never gone before, and yet, at the same time, where they've always been, since the human understanding of time cannot be applied to the insanity-inducing world beyond the portal."

The press conference was briefly interrupted when several creatures that appeared to be a half lizard, half bat flew suddenly out of the portal, picked up a CBR reporter, and carried her, screaming in terror, back through the portal, as the crowd watched in stunned silence. "She'll be fine," Alonso announced after a moment.

At press time, the world's top scientists, clerics, and military generals had been gathered in New York City for an emergency conference, as a minor miscalculation in Marvel's portal design had seemingly left a crack between the walls of reality where the portal was once open. "We're sure it's nothing," Alonso assured worried reporters via press release, "but better safe than sorry." While the gathering ponders a swift course of action, Marvel Executive Vice President Tom Brevoort has temporarily plugged the opening with his butt.

Secret Wars will finally wrap up with issue #8 issue #9 when the sky turns dark and the oceans turn to blood. We'll keep you posted. 

The Outhouse is not responsible for any butthurt incurred by reading this website. All original content copyright the author of said content. Banner by Ali Jaffery - he's available for commission!