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REPORT: Bleeding Cool Pressures Janitor at Marvel for Information on Fantastic Four Film Rights, Receives Bag of Trash and Indecipherable Grunting Instead

Written by The Indie Huntress on Thursday, October 15 2015 and posted in News with Benefits

REPORT: Bleeding Cool Pressures Janitor at Marvel for Information on Fantastic Four Film Rights, Receives Bag of Trash and Indecipherable Grunting Instead

Oddly enough, they'll still manage to turn it into an article.


Source: Bleeding Cool

This morning Bleeding Cool 'reported' that there was a rumor floating around regarding Marvel being in negotiations with Fox, to gain back film rights to Fantastic Four. Infuriatingly for comics' premier rumormongers, the rumor came from Den of Geek, scooping Bleeding Cool on their own trademark clickbait. The original reports from Den of Geek read like a Star tabloid release stating:

"Update: Having asked for some clarification from our source, we understand that the deal Marvel have made with Fox - which will see Fantastic Four returned to the Marvel fold in exchange for the X-Men TV rights - also includes the rights to villains Galactus and Doctor Doom, as well as the Silver Surfer.... (Read more from Den of Geek here.)

 

Here at The Outhouse, we care about our sources and often wine, dine, and use the highest grade of chloroform we can find! Nothing but the best for our people! I happened to be snooping around the offices of Marvel myself, looking for partially used, still at the top of the trash bin package of Resse's Cups... and more information on the new Hulk, when I heard whimpering in the distance. Being a Samaratian by nature, I had to check on this pitiful noise.

As I listened for the sounds to continue. I let my ears lead me to the source. Shifting through the night in the empty offices, the cubicles smelled like stale pizza, three week old (and still waiting to be consumed) Red Bull, crushed dreams, carelessly discarded Jack Kirby artwork, and salty tears. It was a stench that would curl any nose...

"Uhhghghsssrrrr....."

I stopped short. It sounded more like a dying animal, or Dan Slott with peanut butter stuck to the roof of his mouth, the closer I came. I slowed my walk to a stealthy tiptoe, on my guard and ready to pounce. Thinking to myself, this is lud--- 

*CRASSHHHH!!!!* @#$!

I tripped over something and landed on my face. I looked behind me. There were two legs stretched out, leading up to a slumped over figure. I heard the heavy breathing, saw the shallow pool of blood on the floor, and looked up to see Cleve - the chief janitor for Marvel who has been there since '65. I know Cleve from the local coffee house. Occasionally I bring him new nose pads for his glasses, and antihistamines for his allergies. Marvel has neglected to pay him for the past 15 years, but Cleve stays with the company, stating that, "it's the only place I got to wash up. Plus I get to wipe my ass with old copies of Marville from the basement. Sometimes there's traces of leftover blow from Jemas..."

(support Double Take on Kickstarter!!!)

I grabbed Cleve by the shoulders, shook him vigorously, and asked, "WHO DID THIS TO YOU?!" 

He looked at me, sputtering blood all over my face, and spit out, "rohhs." 

I looked at him puzzled and asked again, as I wiped the blood spit from my face, "Cleve, It's Indie. Who did this?" 

He opened his swollen eyes a bit, and reached a hand out to my arm, grunting a bit louder said, "Rich." 

As I looked around a bit more, I knew that only one thing could have happened. Only one person would be despicable enough to stoop so low as to assault a man for gossip... Rich Johnston. 

After reading the rumors from Den Geek this morning, Rich must have been furious. Of course! Rich can't abide other sites getting the scoop first! On a total rampage, fueled by unadulterated rage, Rich, already in town for last weekend's New York Comic Con, set off to find more information. Craving to be the first to pump out clickbait headlines that he can brag about later, Rich would stop at nothing to get a leg up on his competitors. His mission started with a half a pack of Lucky Strikes, a cold black coffee, and the blood of Outhouse reporter Zechs. Of course he would come to Marvel HQ, looking for any tidbits he can get his hands on. When he stumbled upon Cleve, he backed him into a corner, demanding information.

"Oi! Wot you got for me, Cleve?" he probably said. "Pip pip, 'urry it up then! I got places to be, Oi do!"

Cleve, of course, stopped giving a shit around '95, when they took his pension. When Rich cornered him, Cleve simply shrugged and told Rich to get bent. The struggle ensued, and, realizing he was going to have to settle for second fiddle in rumor reporting for this round - he beat Cleve with a trash bin - or rubbish bin, in his own language - and fled the scene... or did he??

 11Rich

 

To make matters worse, CBR has now scooped Rich on denying that the rumor is true. What underpaid employee of a global corporation will be the next to suffer Johnston's wrath?!

We know you're out there, Rich Johnston, hiding in the shadows, waiting for your chance to get revenge on the gossipmongers who stole the scoop that was yours by birthright. And we're watching.

 

As always, come show me some love on social media, where I can be found yelling about stupid stuff! xoxo - Indie

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/theindiehuntress

Twitter: https://twitter.com/IndieHuntress





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About the Author - Crystal O'Rourke


"ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!!!"
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