Burbank, California—Deciding that 'enough is enough' Co-publisher of DC Comics and frequent Outhousers counter-reseter Dan DiDio is taking drastic measures this year to ensure that his house remains toilet-paper free. In a press release sent to the comic book news media this morning, the very determined DiDio announced that he will be staying up 'all goddamn night' if necessary to ensure that his house remains free of eggs, forks, toilet paper, and any other funny stuff. DiDio plans to keep his porch lights on, and also hide in the bushes near his front door with a hose to spray anyone foolish enough to step near his property with a blast of ice cold water.
In years past Dan DiDio has been a frequent victim of Halloween pranks including being sent dozens of anchovy pizzas he didn't order, flaming bags of dog poop left on his doorstep, and also having his car covered with shaving cream and baby oil. Other pranks have included more classic Halloween mischief such as covering his house in toilet paper, egging his windows, and sticking several hundred plastic forks into his front lawn.
However, 2014 was the breaking point for the beleaguered co-publisher when he discovered that several barnyard goats had been left in his yard overnight and had eaten his wife's award-winning azaleas. "The goat incident was the last straw guys," said a frustrated DiDio while rubbing his temple and patrolling the property with his trusty-beagle Nightwing. "Mrs. DiDio was furious and I'm still hearing about it to this day. So this year I'm sorry but the prankers are going to get a taste of their own medicine."
While DiDio did not explicitly name any suspects in the several-years-long running prank attacks on his home, he did mention that he has several clues as to their identity. "I'm not naming anyone specifically but if your name rhymes with 'Rude Error', you'd better stay the heck in Ohio and not drive out here to Burbank again at 4 am," said Mr. DiDio while nervously looking out through crack in his blinds. "If I see any cars with Ohio plates on them, I'm blasting the hose full power."
It is unclear who DiDio was referring to, but the Outhousers wish him luck in keeping his home free from vandals. As of 5 pm, DiDio was seen toilet papering his own house while muttering that he may as well do it himself as to not give those rotten kids the satisfaction.
"Look please - just stop messing with my house! I want to have a nice and peaceful 'mischief night' so I can enjoy Halloween handing out treats," said Mr. DiDio to anyone within shouting distance of his driveway. "I'll be handing out raisins, pennies, and unsold copies of Convergence #4 so please stop by with your kids."