At a crowded press conference this morning, CBS announced plans to create a new Star Trek TV show, the first since Enterprise ended in 2005. Produced by Alex Kurztman, the series is set to air in 2017, and will reportedly boldly go where no man or woman has gone before. Literally. Because it will air on CBS's terrible streaming service, CBS All Access.
"We're really excited to bring Star Trek back to television in time for its 50th anniversary," Kurtzman announced to the cheers of assembled reporters. "And we're even more excited that it will be a CBS All Access exclusive, helping to boost the profile of CBS's new streaming service!"
The crowd turned immediately silent.
"Wait. Are you saying we can only watch this series if we torrent it?" asked a confused reporter from the New York Times.
"No," Kurtzman explained. "It will be available for streaming on CBS All Access."
"Is that what the Pirate Bay calls itself now?" asked a correspondent for the Washington Post.
"No," Kurtzman replied, patiently. "CBS All Access is a streaming service featuring 24/7 access to all of CBS's past hits."
"I think it's outrageous that CBS is forcing viewers to break the law by pirating episodes of this new Star Trek show," protested a reporter for the LA Times. "Fans of Star Trek deserve better."
"You don't have to torrent it," Kurtzman said, sighing heavily. "You can sign up for CBS All Access and watch it there, legally."
"If we wanted to pay $5.99 for old episodes of Cheers, we'd hit the discount DVD bin at Walgreens," shouted an angry reporter near the back of the room. Others grumbled in agreement.
"Look," Kurtzman interrupted. "I know it seems like a shitty bait and switch to announce a new series for a franchise with such a rabid fanbase, air the first episode on television, and then try to bilk $5.99 a month out of fans to see the rest of the episodes on a poorly designed and overpriced streaming service."
"Yes, it's slightly outrageous to charge almost the same price as Hulu or Netflix for content from just a single network," he continued. "Yes, the service does a crappy job of editing in commercials, usually playing them about two seconds before the actual transition and interrupting the flow of the show."
"Yes, CBS removes all but the most recent episodes of its current shows from the service in an attempt to force viewers to both pay for the service and buy DVDs or Blu Rays if they want to catch up on old episodes," he went on. "Yes, the service is ugly and difficult to navigate, especially for CBS's elderly viewing audience."
"But if you think about it, there are a lot of reasons this plan makes sense," Kurtzman suggested.
The crowd was silent again, considering.
"Like what?" asked a reporter for Entertainment Weekly.
"Uh..." Kurtzman hesitated for a moment. "No more questions! Thanks for coming!"
Kurtzman bolted from the stage. Ten seconds later, a car door slammed, an engine revved, and tires screeched as Kurtzman limo escorted him swiftly from the premises. Star Trek will be available for illegal download in January, 2017.