In an effort to piss off the only generation who cares about classic Archie characters, and your grandfather, the CW released the character details of their upcoming Riverdale program that promises to be "Archie Meets David Lynch." Here are the highlights:
Archie Andrews: Described as "pumped and looking good after working construction for his dad during the summer," while also "harboring more than one dark, terrible secret." Don't fret too much; Archie will still be playing music, football, and "the field."
Betty Cooper: Is basically going to be the "Jessie Spano (Saved by the Bell)" of the program by being the girl next door with an Adderall addiction:
Less surprising, she's also said to be 'eager-to-please, wholesome and studious.' Betty will also have an 'emotionally brittle mom' and 'goth-like sister,' and it's noted, ominously, that her spot on the cheerleading team comes 'with certain conditions.'
Veronica Lodge: Due to The CW's complete hatred of America and all that she stands for, they are looking for a "Latina performer in the role of Veronica Lodge" who is "recently returned to Riverdale after a scandal that saw her father go to prison, and is dubbed "extremely intelligent, self-confident and immediately popular" -- and looking to shed her Mean Girl image."
Jughead: The "emo-heartthrob" and Archie will begin the series on the outs with no explanation other than Jughead being so upset that he refuses "to take the olive branch being proffered by Archie."
One more rumor I am making up as I type this is that Moose Mason will be renamed Bear Bason where he is still the best athlete and an idiot but also really REALLY gay. I mean REALLY FREAKING GAY. Like, Jack from Will and Grace gay.
Take that Grandpa!
Other details from CBR:
"Riverdale" is executive produced by Greg Berlanti, whose already has the hits "Arrow," "The Flash" and "Supergirl" on his comics-based TV show roster. Archie Comics Chief Creative Officer and "Afterlife with Archie" writer Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa has written the script for the pilot. The series -- said to explore the "secrets, intrigue and scandal abound" in the seemingly wholesome Riverdale -- was originally in development at Fox before moving to The CW.