TOKYO, BREAKING – Three hours ago, it was revealed that Bill Jemas allegedly confused who exactly ran Marvel Comics between January 1978 and March 1987. Jemas is the alleged Editor-in-Chief of Double Take.
Oblivious to the fact the film, Shooter (starring "Marky" Mark Wahlberg) would not come out for another two full decades after Jim Shooter was fired from Marvel Comics, Jemas allegedly believes that Wahlberg was singlehandedly responsible for such decisions as placing Chris Claremont on X-Men and putting Frank Miller on a downward spiral into the right wing.
"Why are you saying I said that? I never said that in my life," Jemas said last Thursday in a candid, sit-down interview with The Outhousers' newly-American(ish) Chris Lear. "Are you insane?"
This devastating claim implies that Mark Wahlberg became Editor-in-Chief of Marvel Comics at the age of six. He would also have left comics to launch a prolific rap career before he could legally drive.
After throwing in the towel on his rhythmic hoop dreams, he began to 'act' in films such as Not Another Transformers Sequel and the modern classic, Pain and Gain, where he stars alongside the guy Eminem rap-battled in 8 Mile.
"I always knew there was something wrong with that kid. I mean... who the f*** else would get their writers to structure their f****** stories around Little Miss Muffet than a f****** six-year-old f****** kid?" said Garth Ennis when hounded on the street for unrelated comment. "F*** humanity. This is just so f******* dumb. I need a drink."
But where does this leave Jim Shooter? Has he been alive this entire time? Is he just another one of Wahlberg's multi-faceted characters devised to skirt New York state child labour laws? More importantly, what was Jemas up to thirty seven years ago that led him to believe such fecal-matter-from-horses?
Keep your eyes on The Outhouse as this story develops, and check out Double Take's website for free digital comics and information on their #2 issues hitting stores next week.