Following up on the release of Marvel's February solicitations Tuesday, Marvel held a surprise press conference to celebrate their latest hiring. As reporters from all the major comic book websites gathered outside Marvel's Manhattan headquarters, they couldn't have known that, instead of the usual marketing event, they would be treated to an impromptu concert by everyone's favorite recording artists, Marvel executives Rapping Axel Alonso and Joe Quesada.
After a thunderous applause as the pair were introduced, Quesada began beatboxing as Alonso eschewed with Marvel's typical power point presentations set to Jordan White's ukulele music and instead delivered his speech in the form of a mind-blowing rap.
"Yo, my name is Axel and I'm here to say," Alonso started, "Marvel and Hip Hop are here to stay. And to reinforce that firm position, I'd like to announce our new acquisition."
Through sick rhymes over Quesada's dope beats, Alonso revealed that legendary Run DMC member Darryl "DMC" McDaniels and his Darryl Makes Comics partner, Edgardo Miranda-Rodriquez, would join artist Juan Doe to produce their first story for Marvel, appearing in Guardians of Infinity #3 in February. The creative team of Dan Abnett and Carlo Barberi handle the main story in the issue. It's unknown whether McDaniels and Miranda-Rodriguez will produce more stories in the future.
"I'm personally excited, as you can see," Alonso rapped while gesturing at his crotch, "to work with the dude from Run DMC. Marvel and Hip Hop are the perfect match, and together we're about to make a lot of scratch!"
"Scratch is what we call money in Hip Hop," Quesada helpfully added before deftly continuing to beatbox.
While dazzling the crowd with his mastery of verse, Alonso heaped praise on McDaniels and Miranda-Rodriguez, once again insisting that Marvel has a longstanding relationship with Hip Hop that began at a diner in San Francisco when Alonso first heard the song "Rapper's Delight."
"As you know, Hip Hop and I go way, way back, and if you say otherwise..." Alonso began.
"You're wickety wack," Quesada finished.
"Hip Hop and Marvel are the perfect mix," Alonso continued, "and if you don't like it, you can suck our--"
"Whoa whoa whoa!" Quesada chimed in, pointing at several Marvel writers who were also in attendance, including Dan Slott, Jason Aaron, and "The Great One" Brian Bendis. "Not in front of the children!"
"But before I move on and say goodbye, there's just one more thing I'd like to clarify," Alonso continued. "So listen real close to my skillful flow, while I demonstrate this hiring isn't quid pro quo."
"Quid pro quo is what we call a favor or advantage granted or expected in return for something in Hip Hop," Quesada interjected.
"Shut up Joe... and gimme a beat!" Alonso barked.
"Uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh," Quesada obliged.
"There's a notion that I'd like to disabuse: that I hired them because of those interviews," Alonso rapped, pointing out that McDaniels and Miranda-Rodriguez defended Alonso's controversial Hip Hop variant covers this summer in an interview on CBR, and that they seem to bring up Alonso and how totally legit, perhaps even 2 legit (but not quite 2 legit 2 quit), his love of Hip Hop is in seemingly every single interview they do, like this one, this one, this one, and also this one. "It looks shady, I know, but there's no evidence, so the whole thing has gotta be coincidence."
"Coincidence is what we say in Hip Hop when we didn't hire someone just because they repeatedly stuck up for our exploitive variant covers in the press," Quesada somewhat redundantly added while Alonso glared at him.
"But I've talked too much, and I'm feeling bad," Alonso said, before Quesada interrupted him.
"Bad as in "bad" bad, or bad as in "good" bad?" Quesada asked his partner.
"Bad as in bad," Alonso answered. "I feel bad."
"Because in Hip Hop, sometimes we like to say--" Quesada explained, but Alonso cut him off: "We fucking get it, Joe." Quesada looked dejected, but ever the Hip Hop warrior, he dutifully brought back the beat.
"Ahem. I've talked too much and I'm feeling bad, so, homies, is there anything you'd like to add?" Alonso asked as McDaniels and Rodriguez joined him onstage and Quesada sped up the beat. The crowd waited in anticipation as legendary rapper McDaniels and legendary whatever-he-does Miranda-Rodriguez grabbed microphones.
"It's tricky to toe the line, to toe the line so many times, it's tricky! It's tricky tricky tricky tricky!" McDaniels and Miranda-Rodriguez simultaneous rapped.
"The book costs four ninety-nine, four ninety-nine, it's like a crime, we're greedy! We're gr-gr-gr-greedy greedy grrrrrreedy!" Alonso and Quesada finished, dropping the mics. Look for Darryl McDaniels and Edgardo Miranda-Rodriguez's Marvel debut in Guardians of Infinity #3, in stores in February.