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Report: Man Plans to Sacrifice Live Goat to Avoid Jessica Jones Spoilers

Written by ThanosCopter on Friday, November 20 2015 and posted in News with Benefits

Report: Man Plans to Sacrifice Live Goat to Avoid Jessica Jones Spoilers

One man has gone to extreme lengths to avoid spoilers this weekend.

Source: ThanosCopter Newswire

Like many other comic book fans, Robert Hatch is eagerly anticipating the new Jessica Jones television series, which debuts on Netflix tomorrow morning.  And like many other fans, the 45 year old middle manager has gone to great lengths to avoid spoilers about the series.  "I pay my son $25 a day to pre-check my comic sites," Hatch explained to the Outhouse.  "If he sees an article about casting announcements, promotional photos or rumors, he sends me a text message to avoid that site at all costs."

Despite his unique screening process, Hatch still had several close calls.  "Today, I got on Twitter to see David Mack posting the show's opening credits.  I turned my phone off and immediately tossed into the lake that conveniently sits outside my office.  That's the fourth phone I've destroyed this month alone."

While destroying phones and paying teenagers to screen his Internet browsing has worked so far, Hatch knew that tomorrow's debut will bring with it a veritable tidal wave of spoilers nearly impossible to avoid.  So Hatch has turned to a different tactic for avoiding spoilers: live animal sacrifice.  

"I read on the Internet that slitting a male goat's throat and then eating its still beating heart will keep spoilers at bay," Hatch said as he drew a chalk circle around a young male goat tied to a post in his backyard.  "If this works, any tweet with Jessica Jones spoilers will instead appear as an advertisement for the Dollar Shave Club instead." 

When asked if Hatch read the idea off of the Dollar Shave Club's Facebook page, he declined to comment.  

Thaddeus T. Puffinbottoms, an associate professor of Arcane Internetology at DeVry University, claims the spell has an established history of success.  "Yes, blood magick has been used to temporarily transform problematic media into something more palatable," Puffinbottoms told the Outhouse.  "Alan Moore once sacrificed his postman to transform commercials for the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen movie into a pleasant video of a baby duck swimming in a bathtub."  

However, Puffinbottoms had concerns if a goat would be enough to avoid spoilers for Jessica Jones. "Judging from the anticipation for the show and the comics industry's inability to keep its mouth shut on Twitter, I would recommend Mr. Hatch sacrifice his firstborn son if he wanted to avoid spoilers until Friday night.

For his part, Hatch remained confident that he could avoid spoilers until he gets home from work tomorrow evening.  "Brian Bendis came to me in a dream and told me this would work," Hatch said as he put the knife to the goat's throat.  "Why would the astral projection of Brian Bendis lie to me?"

Suddenly, Hatch's teenage son stepped into the backyard "Dad," the boy said. "That's not a male goat.  God, dad, can't you do anything right?" 

With a sigh, Hatch pulled the knife away from the goat's throat and instead freed it, allowing the animal to contentedly walk away, not realizing how close it had come to death.  Avoiding eye contact with the Outhouse's on-site reporter, Hatch gestured for his son to enter the chalk circle.  "Son, why don't you come here for a second?  I need a favor..."


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About the Author - ThanosCopter

ThanosCopter is a specially designed helicopter built to transport Thanos the Mad Titan. Built by Sterling Custom Helicopters, ThanosCopter appeared in several Marvel comics, before being abandoned by its owner during the character's ascension into major villainy. ThanosCopter was discovered by the Outhouse and given a second chance at life. He now buzzes merrily around the comic book industry, spreading snark, satire and humor like candy to small children.


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