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REPORT: Man Attempts to Shut Down Internet in Order to Avoid Star Wars Spoilers

Written by ThanosCopter on Wednesday, December 16 2015 and posted in News with Benefits

REPORT: Man Attempts to Shut Down Internet in Order to Avoid Star Wars Spoilers

One man has gone to extreme lengths to avoid spoilers this weekend.

Source: ThanosCopter Newswire

Like many other Star Wars fans, Robert Hatch is eagerly anticipating the premiere of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, which comes out in theatres Thursday evening. And like many other fans, the 45 year old middle manager has gone to great lengths to avoid spoilers about the upcoming movie.  "I used to pay my son $25 to pre-check my comic and entertainment news sites," Hatch explained to the Outhouse.  "Unfortunately, he recently passed away in a tragic backyard incident.  Now I pay the neighbor's son the same rate to check for articles about casting announcements, promotional photos and rumors and send me text messages to avoid that site at all costs."

Despite his unique screening process, Hatch still had several close calls.  "Today, I got on Twitter and saw a comics artist post a fan portrait of someone called Kyle Wren.  I turned my phone off and immediately tossed it into the lake that conveniently sits outside my office.  That's the ninth phone I destroyed this week alone."

While destroying phones and paying teenagers to screen his Internet browsing has worked so far, Hatch knows today's end of the embargo Disney is enforcing on reviews for the Star Wars movie will bring with it a veritable tidal wave of spoilers nearly impossible to avoid.  So Hatch has turned to a different tactic for avoiding spoilers: turning off the Internet.

"I heard a Donald Trump speech the other day that said that one could simply turn off the Internet," Hatch said as he began digging a hole in his backyard.  "Since I previously read that the Internet is just a series of underground tubes, I figure I can stop this by simply cutting every underground tube I can find."

When asked if Hatch read this theory off of a crazy fringe conservative blog, he declined to comment.

Thaddeus T. Puffinbottoms, an adjunct professor of Underground Tube Studies at DeVry University, states that Hatch's plan may or may not be feasible.  "It's true that the Internet is housed in underground tubes similar to natural gas lines," Puffinbottoms told the Outhouse.  "However, cutting the tubes could cause the Internet to diffuse via the atmosphere and cause spoilers to spread at an alarming rate."

Puffinbottoms added that such an event could cause unexpected consequences.  "Someone tried to cut Internet lines in 1999 to prevent The Phantom Menace from leaking and the Internet spontaneously spread to cell phones.  That's how the first smart phone was created, although Steve Jobs will never admit it."  Puffinbottoms added that there were much more conventional ways of avoiding spoilers.  "Human sacrifice," he said.  "Human sacrifice is always a surefire way of avoiding spoilers."

For his part, Hatch remained confident he could avoid spoilers until he saw the movie Thursday evening.  "George Lucas came to me in a dream and told me this would work," Hatch said as his shovel hit a metal object underground.  "Why would the Force ghost of George Lucas like to me?"

Suddenly, the teenage son of Hatch's neighbor stepped into the backyard.  "Mr. Hatch," the boy said.  "That's a gas line, not a cable or phone line.  God, don't you know the difference between your underground tubing?"

With a sigh, Hatch picked up some recently dug up ground and threw it into the comically large hole he had just made in his background.  Avoiding eye contact with the Outhouse's on-site reporter, Hatch muttered to himself "Well, human sacrifice worked the last time..." before gesturing to his neighbor's son to come closer.


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About the Author - ThanosCopter

ThanosCopter is a specially designed helicopter built to transport Thanos the Mad Titan. Built by Sterling Custom Helicopters, ThanosCopter appeared in several Marvel comics, before being abandoned by its owner during the character's ascension into major villainy. ThanosCopter was discovered by the Outhouse and given a second chance at life. He now buzzes merrily around the comic book industry, spreading snark, satire and humor like candy to small children.


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