In a move so transparently self-serving even Rich Johnston is gonna be like, "damn, that's transparently self-serving," The Outhouse has decided to award its annual Comic Book Industrialist of the Year award to Double Take head honcho Bill Jemas. Double Take has financially supported The Outhouse since July by purchasing banners ads, allowing The Outhouse to pay its writers and allowing webmaster Jude Terror to purchase multiple boxes of Hostess Chocodiles, which he hoards in his basement in case the snack cake producer goes bankrupt again and leaves him unable to refill his supply.
"Mmmph mmmm mmmph mmm, ummm hmmmppp mmmph ummmmph ummmm hmmmmph," said Jude Terror while shoving entire delicious chocodiles into his mouth. "Sorry, what I meant to say was that by leading an initiative to pay The Outhouse money for writing articles like this one, Bill Jemas has truly earned his position as the most important person in all of comics for 2015."
Using comics awards to advance personal agendas is nothing new for the comics media. Last year, The Outhouse gave awards to every judge on the Eisner committee in the hopes of convincing them to nominate The Outhouse for the Journalism Eisner. Last month, Bleeding Cool rumormonger Rich Johnston named himself at #97 on his own Top 100 Power List. Currently, The Comics Reporter is brigading The Beat's Comics Industry Person of the Year Award solely to troll Chris Oliveros.
"Corrupt manipulation of awards for personal gain is a tradition in comics," said Outhouse co-Editor in Chief Gavin Dillinger while waiting outside Double Take's offices with the award in one hand and a resume in the other. "By giving Bill Jemas this prestigious award, we hope to both honor this tradition, and get me a job as a comics writer, like the numerous comics bloggers who have used their position at prominent websites to land jobs in the industry before me."
Dillinger noted that in addition to a writing job, like Comics Alliance's Chris Sims or Newsarama's Troy Brownfield, Dillinger would also be willing to accept an editorial position like Bleeding Cool's Hannah Means Shannon. "I'm not very discerning," Dillinger pointed out. "I mean, I write for The Outhouse, after all, so my standards are obviously non-existent."
Besides giving money to The Outhouse, Bill Jemas lists other notable accomplishments such as launching Double Take's Ultimate Night of the Living Dead line of comics, introducing the Super Pack concept of bundling ten issues of comics in a single, discounted package, giving away free digital comics to increase interest, getting his aforementioned Super Packs into Barnes and Noble, snagging a sweet movie deal, transforming into a terrifying monster to reign hell upon the citizens of New York City, and convincing the Take-Two Interactive corporation to give him a job running a comic book publisher just a decade after producing Marville.
"Who the hell are The Outhousers?" asked Jemas during his impromptu acceptance speech at a hastily constructed podium outside Double Take's Manhattan offices. "Wait, we're giving these assholes money?"
An enraged Jemas was quickly rushed offstage by aides, though sources tell The Outhouse that he was easily calmed when he learned that the gold foil on the Comics Industrialist of the Year Award could be unwrapped to reveal delicious milk chocolate.