Fans who were worried that Marvel's Civil War 2 super-mega-crossover event wouldn't be derivative enough of the original can rest easy; a new report in the NY Daily News reveals that the upcoming story will hit all the same craptastic notes as the original:
Cackling like a cabal of super villains, a group of 50 shady characters recently met in a Manhattan conference room to secretly plot the demise of a major Marvel superhero.
While Doctor Doom and the Green Goblin regularly fumble their evil plans, this group will actually succeed and kill off their intended victim. And it will surely shock fans of the Marvel comics and movies, since it comes at the hands of a fellow costumed hero in a storyline from the upcoming event series, "Civil War II."
It's amazing that it only took 50 members of the Marvel braintrust to come up with this idea. Truly, it's an example of corporate efficiency in action.
In addition, the report reveals details about the plot:
"A mysterious new Marvel character comes to the attention of the world, one who has the power to calculate the outcome of future events with a high degree of accuracy," according to the synopsis. "This predictive power divides the Marvel heroes on how best to capitalize on this aggregated information, with Captain Marvel leading the charge to profile future crimes and attacks before they occur, and Iron Man adopting the position that the punishment cannot come before the crime."
Captain Marvel is a female super hero character that Marvel is looking to showcase more with her own movie slated for a March 2019 release.
Making Captain Marvel into a Nazi sounds like a great way to "showcase" the character and promote the movie. And in good news for Iron Man, this time around, he's *not* the Nazi. How innovative!
The Daily News article features an actual conversation between Marvel's creators that sounds like something we might make up for one of our articles, but which we assure you is a totally real thing that happened:
"It has to fall somewhere between Hitler and self-defense," Bendis says.
Though they also didn't immediately settle on a big-name hero to turn into the culprit, Bendis kept referring to the doomed hero as Peter Parker, aka Spider-Man.
"Do you see me worried? I'm not worried," whispers "Amazing Spider-Man" writer Dan Slott. "This is not my first rodeo. By the end of the afternoon, it won't be Peter Parker."
And sure enough, Parker is saved a grim fate by the afternoon as mass opinion shifts attention to other characters.
Another candidate is the Fantastic Four's Human Torch, but Bendis extinguishes that idea quickly.
"He burns people and that's so horrible (to illustrate)," the scribe says.
Other ideas are bounced around.
"What if the pressure causes (the hero) to commit suicide," suggests James Robinson, another Marvel writer, adding that it could be a good way to draw attention to the scourge of cyber-bullying.
But editor Tom Brevoort's Spidey-sense is immediately tingling.
"I don't think you'd want a Marvel Super hero committing suicide," he interjects.
After hours of occasionally heated debate, Bendis and Alonso reveal they had a eureka moment during a 10-minute break and came up with the perfect superhero to sacrifice and an even better candidate to murder him. The answer actually gets a loud ovation from the crowd.
"That's like an epic," says Robinson. "I'm genuinely shocked."
Shocked isn't quite the word we'd use, as it doesn't accurately describe the feeling of having all your worst impressions of a company depressingly confirmed.
In another unintentionally revealing part of the article, Chief Creative Officer Joe Quesada admits that comics are really just an IP farm for movies and television:
"If you want to really see a road map of where our movies will be (going) in the next five, 10 or 20 years, read the comics," says Joe Quesada, Marvel's chief creative officer. "Because they're almost always a precursor to what's on the horizon in our cinematic universe and our television universes."
Civil War 2: This Time It's More Expensive hits stores this summer, will likely cost $4.99 or even $5.99 an issue, and will interrupt the ongoing storylines of dozens of titles that have only just begun to build momentum. So, business as usual at Marvel. We'll keep you updated, we guess.