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President Addresses Important Topics in Historic State of the Union

Written by Jude Terror on Wednesday, January 13 2016 and posted in News with Benefits

President Addresses Important Topics in Historic State of the Union

President Obama talked about the major issues facing the country in his speech in Washington last night, and laid out a plan for the future.

In his eighth and final State of the Union address last night, President Barack Obama delivered one of the greatest speeches of his presidency, addressing many of the important issues facing Americans today and laying out a plan for his final year in office and the future of America. Not surprisingly, President Obama chose to focus almost his entire one hour speech on the problems facing the comic book industry, calling on the United States Congress and the citizens of the country to do their civic duty and build a better, more inclusive, more optimistic comics. While the president noticeably avoided a few hot button issues in the news lately, such as the DDOS attack on The Outhouse and the ongoing menace of Eddie Berganza, he did send a message through the guests he invited to the speech, as well as the empty chair next to the First Lady which was piled with comics from rising star publisher and advertising partner Double Take.

Beginning his speech, President Obama talked about the greed of Big Comics and how it was eroding the prosperity of an industry that belongs to all Americans, and which many comic book creators had given their lives, and even intellectual property rights, to build. But as the industry falls back into the same traps that nearly destroyed it in the past, comic book journalism has become little more than an extension of big publishers' marketing machines.

"We live in a country where the top 1% of comic book websites get 90% of the exclusive content and access to talent," the president told the crowd early in his speech, saying that hardworking, ordinary comic book websites were the ones doing the real work that would bring America into the future. As Paul Ryan fidgeted awkwardly behind him, President Obama said that it wasn't just comic book journalism in need of reform, but the industry itself, calling for "the same reckless people who almost bankrupt the industry in the nineties" still being in charge of DC Comics and warning that Marvel and DC continue to repeat the same mistakes we should have learned decades earlier with an overabundance of variant covers, meaningless character deaths, endless super-mega-crossover events, and #1 reboots.

"Why should I care about X-Men #1 when there are five different X-Men #1s coming out in the span of a few months, more than in the entire history of X-Men comics combined?" Obama asked, as Vice President Joe Biden literally swallowed a canary behind him.

"The American comics distribution system is controlled by a monopoly," said the President, referring to Diamond Comics and its founder and president, Steve Geppi.

"Have you seen what that guy has posted on Facebook?" the President asked, earning one of the night's few unanimous standing ovations. "That guy is a total douchebag. Yeah. I said it."

President Obama also addressed a recent New York Daily News article that revealed the creative process behind Marvel's next upcoming super-mega-crossover event, Civil War 2. "We should be focusing on the comics stories of the future, not clinging to the past," he said as Paul Ryan appeared to have smelled some sour milk. "Just tell good stories. It's not that hard."

President Obama clarified that he wasn't talking about Double Take, whose Ultimate Night of the Living Dead Universe, based on the cult classic film from the 1960s, was an exception to the rule. "This isn't a shot at Bill Jemas," the president insisted. "Hell, I enjoyed Marville."

In several parts of his speech, the president appeared to directly address Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. Though he never mentioned Trump by name, President Obama called his idea to build a wall between comics and manga ridiculous, saying that both were clearly comics. He called on politicians to end senseless verbal attacks against comics that were different than the ones they liked to read, explaining that the strength of American comics lies in its diversity: superhero comics, horror comics, western comics, romance comics, sci-fi comics, fantasy comics, and "especially comics made by Bill Jemas and Double Take," revealing that the comic book publisher had purchased several banner ads on his website.

President Obama also touched on the greatest regret of his presidency: the fact that Secret Wars still hadn't come out yet. The President admitted that it was scheduled for release the today, but said he would "believe it when I see it" and that even if it does come out, it was still unacceptable that the book was delayed so long. "With double-shipping, we're like five issues into some books in the rebooted Marvel Universe," he quipped as Paul Ryan fell out of his chair twice and Joe Biden grinned like a freshly stiffened corpse.

"If we want a better comic book industry, it's not enough to drop a Marvel book and pick one up from DC, or to buy comics from a company owned by Amazon rather than buying them from the Diamond monopoly," President Obama told the United States Congress while Paul Ryan furiously crossed and uncrossed his legs while slapping himself in the face repeatedly. "I see the future of the comic book industry in the indie comic, self-printed and sold at conventions. I see it in the small press that publishes serious comics with messages and shit. I see it in the creator funding his book on Kickstarter, and in the publisher offering a fair page rate for a licensed comic. I see it in Bill Jemas, giving me money every month to promote his Ultimate Night of the Living Dead comics, which are really, really great."

Wrapping things up, The President called for unity in comics, asking for fans to work together to change the industry that was controlled by money, power, and movie rights. He asked readers to stop paying for five dollar comics and support companies with diverse hiring practices and actual policies of punishing sexual harassers, as Paul Ryan's head literally turned 360 degrees, like in The Exorcist, and Joe Biden appeared to be manually stimulating himself. President Obama closed by saying the state of the comic book industry was strong, and reminding readers that Double Take's #3 issues would be out in February and he would travel the country over the next several months, urging citizens to buy their Super Packs.


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About the Author - Jude Terror

Jude Terror is the Webmaster Supreme of The Outhouse and a sarcastic ace reporter dedicated to delivering irreverent comics and entertainment news to The Outhouse's dozens of loyal readers. Driven by a quest for vengeance, Jude Terror taught himself to program and joined The Outhouse. He instantly began working toward his goal of forcing the internet comics community to take itself less seriously and failing miserably. A certified trash eater ruining the pristine field of comics journalism with his sarcasm and goofiness, Jude Terror is secretly friendly and congenial, so if you've got a complaint, why not just bring it up to him instead of subtweeting like a jackass, jackass? You can find him on Twitter or try your luck with an email, but keep in mind that he is notoriously unreliable and may not get back to you right away. Unless you want to send him free stuff, in which case he'll get back to you immediately.

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