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Groundhog Day to Determine Fate of Failing Comic Book Industry

Written by Jude Terror on Tuesday, February 02 2016 and posted in News with Benefits

Groundhog Day to Determine Fate of Failing Comic Book Industry

We'll either have three more weeks before total collapse, or one more year.

Comics media pundits, industry leaders, and cosplay aficionados are gathered in New York City today to witness the annual spectacle known as Groundhog Day. As the age-old tradition dictates, the head of a comic book publisher will emerge from his office at some point during the morning, look at Diamond comics sales numbers, and either retreat to his or her office in fear or remain unshaken in the belief that the industry can be saved by even more reboots, incentive variant schemes, and endless super-mega-crossover events. In a memorable moment last year, DC Entertainment head Diane Nelson gave the industry a scare when onlookers believed she may have been spooked by the shadow of impendending industry doom after seeing that DC's market share had fallen more than 10% below competitor Marvel's, but the executive stayed strong and instead immediately set to planning this year's #Afterbirth line-wide reboot. Things could be different this year, however, as the publisher representing industry hopes and fears is none other than Double Take head honcho and Outhouse advertising partner Bill Jemas.

"Jemas is wildly unpredictable," explained reporter Gus Sterlingham, who was assigned to cover the event as a ploy to get him out of the website's offices for a few hours. "He helped save Marvel from bankruptcy by taking publishing risks in the early 2000s, but then he wrote Marville, so his judgement is spotty at best. This could really go either way."

With DC's big reboot looming on the horizon and widespread acceptance of five dollar comics and bi-weekly shipping, the comic book industry has justification to believe it can continue to bilk a dwindling readership out of more and more money in order to stay afloat for another year. However, Marvel's All-New All-Different reboot, which is less than six months old, has already begun to see its first cancellations, showing that the obvious diminishing returns of a cycle of gimmicks over substance may finally be taking its toll on comics.

But with Jemas in the hot seat this year, it's impossible to guess what might happen. Double Take doesn't seem to care much about Diamond at all, preferring to sell its comics through Super Packs outside the direct market, eschewing variant covers altogether, and offering comics at a price point of $2.50 for a single issue. In addition, Jemas is believed to be high on "obscene amounts" of cocaine at all times, and, according to most reports, may not even know what decade it is, much less what day.

"There was a three week period last year where Bill didn't leave his office at all," said one Double Take staffer, speaking anonymously to The Outhouse so no one would know his name is Gabe Yocum. "He just kept ordering pizzas and peeing in bottles."

If Jemas does not emerge from his office at all, it's unknown how the comics industry will react. Sources tell The Outhouse that Marvel may cancel several more of its recently rebooted titles, but let's face it, that was destined to happen anyway. And DC's management has been completely distracted since amorous editor Eddie Berganza was eaten by a shark last week. In the end, one thing is clear: the mainstream comic book industry may have to stop relying on superstition and gimmicks to make its business plans, and instead start producing quality comics at affordable prices the actually engage new readers and keep them coming back for more story instead of ultra-rare variant covers, #1 issues, and unwanted crossover tie-ins.

Bwahahahaha! Yeah, we don't believe that could happen either.


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About the Author - Jude Terror

Jude Terror is the Webmaster Supreme of The Outhouse and a sarcastic ace reporter dedicated to delivering irreverent comics and entertainment news to The Outhouse's dozens of loyal readers. Driven by a quest for vengeance, Jude Terror taught himself to program and joined The Outhouse. He instantly began working toward his goal of forcing the internet comics community to take itself less seriously and failing miserably. A certified trash eater ruining the pristine field of comics journalism with his sarcasm and goofiness, Jude Terror is secretly friendly and congenial, so if you've got a complaint, why not just bring it up to him instead of subtweeting like a jackass, jackass? You can find him on Twitter or try your luck with an email, but keep in mind that he is notoriously unreliable and may not get back to you right away. Unless you want to send him free stuff, in which case he'll get back to you immediately.

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