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New Hampshire Primaries Bring Most Important Contest in American History to Forefront of Nation: U-DECIDE-2

Written by Jude Terror on Wednesday, February 10 2016 and posted in News with Benefits

New Hampshire Primaries Bring Most Important Contest in American History to Forefront of Nation: U-DECIDE-2

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Source: CNN

With the results of the New Hampshire primaries just hours away, Americans are glued to television and social media, awaiting the results of the popularity contest that will help determine the fate of the United States for the next four years. Will Trump score his first win? Will Bernie beat Hillary, causing Marvel Comics writer Nick Spencer to cry like a baby? Nobody is immune from the drama, including Double Take head honcho and Outhouse advertising partner Bill Jemas.

Jemas, who also has an important milestone coming up this month - the release of Double Take's third issue Super Packs, currently available for preorder on Kickstarter - is as excited for the results of the New Hampshire contest as anyone. So excited, in fact, that he has elected to revive a popular contest of his own: U-DECIDE!

Back in 2002, Jemas, who had recently helped rescue Marvel Comics from destruction, was riding high - and not just on cocaine, though he was certainly riding high on that as well. No, Jemas was riding high on success, and it was that success that led Jemas to believe he could challenge Marvel Comics writer Peter David to a comic book showdown. Jemas would release Marville, the ill-fated comic that is either a bizarre parody or brilliant existential treatise, while David would relaunch Captain Marvel with a new #1 issue. Ron Zimmerman's Ultimate Adventures was also a part of the bet, but Zimmerman later died on his way back to his home planet and was never heard from again. The stakes: readers would decide which book would survive, and which would be canceled, and the loser would take a pie in the face for charity.

Unfortunately for Jemas, he did not win U-DECIDE, starting a downward spiral that later saw him ousted from Marvel by his former best friend, Joe Quesada, in a Game of Thrones style betrayal for which Jemas still seeks revenge today. In the end, all worked out for the best, as Marvel sucks, and Jemas's new Double Take venture has given us ten wonderful series set in the universe of the 1960s classic film Night of the Living Dead, as well as numerous substantial advertising checks for The Outhouse. But just as Jemas seems on the verge of redeeming his career and re-conquering the comics world, vanity has reared its head once again, and Jemas has announced a contest to rival even the grandiose spectacle of the American political primaries: U-DECIDE-2.

The rules are as follows: exploiting a little known loophole and the vast resources of Double Take parent company Take-Two Interactive, Jemas has submitted Double Take's 3rd Issue Super Packs into the Republican presidential primaries. Besides the added exposure of seeing Z-Men, Home, Dedication, and other Double Take Comics take the stage at Fox News' highly rated weekly debate spectacles, Jemas believes that Double Take's Super Packs might have a chance of actually winning some of these primaries, especially when arcane caucus rules come into effect. Of course, even a man with an ego the size of Bill Jemas understands that Double Take's Super Packs are unlikely to become the Republican nominee. But Jemas is betting that the Super Packs, priced at an affordable $15 if you purchase them on Kickstarter - that's just $1.50 per comic!!! - will do better than at least half of the top eight Republican nominees: Jeb Bush, Ben Carson, Chris Christie, Ted Cruz, Carly Fiorina, John Kasich, Marco Rubio, and Donald Trump

If four of those candidates drop out of the race before Jemas's Super Packs, or fail to garner as many delegates, Jemas wins. If the Super Packs are beat by the likes of Carson, Rubio, and Christie, then Jemas loses.

But what are the stakes? Who would be stupid enough to challenge Jemas in a Republican debate where we've already seen Donald Trump become the serious frontrunner and Marco Rubio hailed as a reasonable alternative, and therefore, anything could happen, no matter how ludicrous? Who has as little to lose, and as much to gain, by participating in such a ridiculous and fundamentally absurd contest?

We are.

If Jemas wins, and either secures the Republican presidential nomination for Double Take's Super Packs or outlasts at least four of his competitors, Jemas will take control of The Outhouse - not for a single month of ad banners and satirical articles that go to extreme lengths just to plug a Kickstarter - but forever. If Jemas fails, then The Outhouse will take control of not only Double Take, but the entire Take-Two Interactive empire, which we will then use to force the company to release a Borderlands sequel that doesn't suck and fix the god damn reversal system in WWE 2k16.

The game is on, folks. If you're voting in New Hampshire tonight, and you want a chance for America to turn things around and rebuild the battered middle class, then you should probably vote for Sanders. But if you want to help us stick it to Bill Jemas and gain control of the power of a large international conglomerate which we will use incredibly irresponsibly, then vote for one of the less desirable (to Republicans, not rational people) Republican candidates, like that fatso Christie, to boost their confidence and keep them in the race.

And while you're at it, you should probably head over to Double Take's Kickstarter and buy yourself a Super Pack or three. After all, in this important presidential election, you want to make sure you're informed on the issues that matter.


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About the Author - Jude Terror

Jude Terror is the Webmaster Supreme of The Outhouse and a sarcastic ace reporter dedicated to delivering irreverent comics and entertainment news to The Outhouse's dozens of loyal readers. Driven by a quest for vengeance, Jude Terror taught himself to program and joined The Outhouse. He instantly began working toward his goal of forcing the internet comics community to take itself less seriously and failing miserably. A certified trash eater ruining the pristine field of comics journalism with his sarcasm and goofiness, Jude Terror is secretly friendly and congenial, so if you've got a complaint, why not just bring it up to him instead of subtweeting like a jackass, jackass? You can find him on Twitter or try your luck with an email, but keep in mind that he is notoriously unreliable and may not get back to you right away. Unless you want to send him free stuff, in which case he'll get back to you immediately.

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