Sources inside Marvel Comics Wednesday revealed that the company is quietly seeking a fill-in writer for its two Captain America books following Hillary Clinton's narrow loss to Bernie Sanders in the Michigan Democratic primary. Regular series writer Nick Spencer, who already dedicates more than 90% of his time to making impassioned political tweets in support of the Democratic frontrunner, is said to be heartbroken by Clinton's loss to Sanders last night, but nonetheless "more committed than ever" to tweeting nonstop about why Hillary is the right choice for the Democratic party to win the general election.
"Democrats continue to walk right up to the edge of the abyss," Spencer tweeted last night after the race was called for Sanders. "Amazing to me to watch both Republicans and Democrats doing everything possible to secure a Trump Presidency. She should've won here. This is bad, bad news. She's still the nominee, that's a given, but a very weak one."
According to Spencer, Sanders' thwarting of Hillary's momentum could spell doom for the Democratic party, the United States of America, and the world. If Democratic voters don't unite behind Hillary as soon as possible, Donald Trump is sure to win the presidency. "This will give Sanders a major bounce in next week's contests, and this will drag on for months while Trump moves to general," the part time comic book writer and full time political analyst tweeted. "End of story." But it wasn't the end of Spencer's tweeting, which continued for several more hours.
For the past several months, Spencer has tweeted almost nonstop in support of Clinton's campaign, leading some friends and family to worry that he might be neglecting not only his duties as a comic book scribe, but also his own health and well being. "I found him asleep in his office this morning, head slumped onto his keyboard, mumbling something about Michael Moore and the failure of the Democratic party to recognize Trump as a real threat," said one close family member, speaking under the condition of anonymity. "I shook him and said, 'Nick, for godsake, when was the last time you slept in a bed?!' But he just jolted awake, eyes crazed and bloodshot, pumped out seventeen quick tweets about Hillary's resonance with African American voters and Bernie's failure to appeal to them in large numbers, and then passed out again in a puddle of his own drool."
Spencer's Marvel bosses and co-workers are equally concerned that the formerly productive writer may be taking on more responsibility than he can handle as the chief defender of the Hillary Clinton campaign on Twitter. "The first sign of this problem affecting his work came when the script for Sam Wilson: Captain America #6 consisted of nothing but 140 character long dialog chunks about how Bernie Sanders supporters are ruining the party's chances of winning in November," a worried Marvel Vice President Tom Brevoort told The Outhouse. "I called him into my office and offered to give him some time off to get his act together, but he insisted there was no problem. Then he grabbed me by the collar and shook me violently, demanding to know who I was voting for and telling me I "better not be a god damn Bernie Bro." I said that I don't discuss politics at work, and that seemed to calm him down, but sometimes around the office I can feel him staring at me when my back is turned, which would be really disconcerting if I didn't know he hasn't eaten in two weeks and barely has the strength to hold his phone up while typing Hillary tweets. Also, several times I've caught him rummaging through my trash bin and trying to hack into my computer to view my browser history, looking for evidence I might be a Sanders sympathizer."
"Joke's on him," Brevoort added. "There's nothing but porn in both. Really, really gross porn. Like, crazy fucked up shit."
Asked for comment on the amount of time Spencer spends tweeting about politics, fellow Marvel Comics writer Dan Slott exclaimed, "Damn, that guy tweets a lot about politics," before blocking us on Twitter. Again.
At press time, Marvel had already called on Joss Whedon and John Cassaday to write a story for Sam Wilson: Captain America #7 in hopes that the slight break would give Spencer time to regroup, but the superstar writer has reportedly only become more obsessed, tweeting or retweeting no less than 75 times about politics over a six hour span last night when we stopped counting at 1AM Eastern Time (and once about comics - we're not making that up - go and count them*). We'll keep you updated on this increasingly dire situation, but not as often as Nick Spencer will keep you updated about the urgency of electing Hillary Clinton as the next president of the United States of America via his Twitter feed, because that would be literally impossible for any human being to accomplish.
*UPDATE: Spencer continued his Twitter tirade until 5:46AM, tweeting 51 more times about Sanders' gun record.